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| Hopefully he'll never have to hurt this way again. |
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I'm in a lot of pain. I've started a new year by ruining it for me and my boyfriend - we broke up.
I've had to give the person I love for a number of reasons. We're both in a lot of pain, but I'm certain in time to come, things will be come clearer and more certain.
We've been wavering between staying and leaving. While it kills me to make a decision like that, It's one that has to be made. While I officially seem like the witch of the century, at least one thing will come of it. He'll be better off and stronger in the long run. We've been fighting a lot more recently, and on one occasion, a scuffle ensued. It largely involved the slamming of doors, me hitting him, some shoving... and a whole lot of tears.
For a couple so happy, it seems almost incomprehensible that we would resort this means of communication. It's not that the two of us do not care or do not love each other anymore. The tension is beyond our control. I've been under a lot of stress and pressure recently. To the point where I don't even recognise the me I've become. At nights I contemplate withdrawing from school altogether just to leave everything behind me too.
Likewise has he; in fact, he almost wanted to give up going back to school just to stay in mediocrity with me. It's painful to know that someone ambitious that you love wants to give everything up for you, simply because. This would only lead to the same kind of regret that he had after he gave up the decision to pursue a double degree in medicine and law. He doesn't speak of it much - but if you love someone and know him well enough, you just know: the pain he has to endure. He even got slapped by his mother for thinking of not returning to law school. If he didn't return, he'd have mounting debts from existing bank loans and giving up a scholarship.
Despite him asking me repeatedly if he should give school up, I advised him to go back. He's worried about me, about how well I'd cope and if I could even cope at all.
He's reluctant to go and he keeps telling me that his ambitions and goals have changed. Again, no points for guessing, because of me.
Any girl would swoon and fall head over feet (that's the way he insists it is - and I'd argue it's head over heels) with a guy like that simply because he's a gem. Some might remember that he's still got a future, his own life to be responsible for. I simply cannot see him ruin his bright future over a girl; not as his best friend, least of all as his girlfriend.
Even though I've been encouraging him to go back to school, he's half-hearted and distracted at best. It's clear his heart wasn't in it; at least not until that fight we had... He needed a backup plan and was now determined to go back to school.
In light of him finally applying his leave of absence, needless to say, I was distraught. The means by which I intended to set things straight, was to leave; to go abroad and work or study. Both of us had reasoned not to talk to each other until I returned and he was willing to wait.
Realising that I would keep hurting him if I kept pushing him away, I asked for a breakup. Because even though we love each other, the tension, the anxiety, the stress is becoming excessively disruptive to both of us. It will also mean that nothing has changed since last Nov. I don't want him to suffer waiting and pining for me. I don't want him to be distracted. I don't want to hurt him. It's a bitch of a decision, but it's for the best.
I'm sure, one day, he'll come to understand, that whatever I've done today, was to protect him: both from my rage and from the distance.
I don't expect his forgiveness but he's still checking in on me to see if I'm ok. This is how much he cares for us.
It's strange that two people who care so much can't be together for whatever reason. At the very least, he's come to realise that his mum really does love him a lot and that once again, when he needs someone he's got a friend, a confidante, in her... and maybe... if he wishes,
me.
I'm sorry once again Hun. I really love you & I never meant for us to turn out this way.
But trust me, it will all get better in time.
A guy like him, really doesn't deserve a girl like me because despite what we've become, he's still supportive of me, still posting statuses to encourage me and get me through this loss that I've created in the first place.
For that, I'm Thankful.
I wish him all the best really, because I finally see that he's strongest, when I'm not in his life & if he's going to go where he wants to go; he's going to have to do it without, stress, hurt and distraction. Hang in there, for yourself, & not for anyone else. Because this silly child has always lived live the way people want him to, the way people shape him to. Stay strong because you aren't alone. Also, don't let anyone hurt you this way again; because you deserve better.<3 |
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| - sArAh - ♥ 1/01/2012 04:47:00 PM |
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| Saturday, 17 December 2011 |
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There are some days, where no matter what you do, nothing seems to be right. And all you want to do, is to hide in your room and cry. If you're attached, then probably cry in the arms of your loved one. There are other days, when whatever you do just works out. I'm not bragging, but I got lucky today.
I spent and awesome afternoon at home with the boyfriend on the sofa uploading photographs of our recent "what-we-get-up-to-together-moments". We sat down and captioned about 150+ photos... tiring but fun.
It's the process that's endearing because you don't simply hear one person's p.o.v on the photo. You hear the other person's voice too. This is important especially when he doesn't speak up or he comes across as somewhat misunderstood.
We went out to the coffeeshop for a simple dinner and he decided to head back home after so that he wouldn't be home too late. He asked me to walk him to a bus stop; one that was further away from my house, but nearer to the coffeeshop, simply because it made less sense for him to walk back to the bus stop nearer to my house.
In all strange curiousity, I asked why wouldn't he walk with me to the other bus stop... because at least then I wouldn't have to walk that far home alone. Regardless, we were both puzzled to no end; I looked a little more disappointed and puzzled than he did.
Even though there was his bus at the bus stop, he said he'd give that a miss to spend more time with me. So we sat at the bus stop and he offered me a penny for my thoughts. My thoughts weren't much, but he gave everything he had for it. I told him exactly what I thought... and well... given the warm and fuzzy afternoon we had together, he asked me if I was being a little strange... During the course of our little chat, he missed another two more buses.
Nonetheless, the boyfriend hugged me, grabbed me by the hand and said, "lets go", as he pulled me towards the other bus stop. He gave in. I was over the moon, walking with a skip in each step, beaming like a child just out of a candy store with fresh loot. He described me as strange and silly indeed.
As it had rained horribly all afternoon, the walkway was filled with muddy puddles that we had to avoid in order to stay dry and clean. Unfortunately, at certain uneven points of the path, the entire pavement was blocked off by the mud puddle and the only way across would be to walk on muddy grass. Both of which, less than desirable options.
In order to get across, he got both his feet and slippers covered in mud and by the time we got to the bus stop, he was hot and bothered and dirty. In the process of getting to the bus stop, he missed another two more buses For someone who values his nice clean feet, that must mean something. I suddenly felt bad; I felt that if we had stayed at the first bus stop, he wouldn't be hot, dirty, tired and late. I suddenly felt unreasonable.
Instead of getting angry because I put him through unnecessary convenience, he held my hand, clearly uncomfortable from the sticky mud starting to dry off on his feet. Under normal circumstances he might have gotten a tad unhappy or even grumpy; I know I might have. Because sometimes, even though we want to please those we love, we seldom go out of our way to do so.
He sat me down as he missed yet another bus he could have taken towards the interchange and told me, "If the small things I do can make you smile like that and quell your insecurities then I'll do it." It was clear that he was really uncomfortable with his predicament (i.e. his muddy feet, muddy white slipper and being worried about being late home) yet he was trying to be the sweetest about it, even me kissing me on the forehead to reassure me that he wasn't mad at me for being strange and unreasonable
It was clear that he had made my night/my week/my month, whatever. He had just made me really happy and when I texted him to thank him for what he had said and the sweet gesture, he offered that evenings like these be compensation for the times that he makes me sad.
The point of this blog post is that everyone errs. There are times when our fights have left me sad, or made me cry. But I proffer that most other relationships have some kinks, fights, squabbles and even tears and our relationship seems only normal in the larger schema of things. I appreciate evenings like this that remind you of why you feel that he's "Mr Right".
I know there are people who feel we aren't compatible, ready to judge us or him for that matter. I only wish that these people would be here with me to witness the times when he tries his best to make things right, when he puts that smile on my face. When he, to quote Disney's Aladdin, provides that "indescribable feeling". I honestly hope that only if you know and understand what we have and what we're going through, will you comment, criticise or cast the first stone.
And to my special one, Thank you for loving me your own special way.
- For a moment like this, some people wait a lifetime.
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| - sArAh - ♥ 12/17/2011 09:11:00 PM |
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| The smallest things he does for me... just so I know I'm loved. |
| Tuesday, 22 November 2011 |
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In an earlier, somewhat depressing, post,
I acknowledged that my ex- and I were never going to speak again.
For whatever reason, he called & we both wavered.
We don't really know where we're headed with this.
We don't really know how we're intending to make this work.
But one thing we're sure of, we make each other happy.
He's been spending a lot of time with me recently.
Each day feels like our last.
Admittedly, it's a good way to spend time.
Because we value each other's company more.
Fights become more scarce.
Surprisingly, we've only fought once
since we started talking again.
Either that, or my memory fails me.
He's been encouraging me to work hard for my finals.
But my mind just isn't in it.
He'd normally get upset if I didn't spend enough time with him.
Perhaps, I'm doing good so he knows I do care.
Not only is he not upset,
he's been trying all the small things...
to cheer me up, to encourage me.
... It's really the smallest of things.
We went out to the usual Macs for brekkie and
he would stand in a queue for an extra hashbrown...
... just because I wouldn't.
He'd go with me to the supermarket to run errands with me...
... just so I wouldn't have to do it alone.
He'd push the trolley for me...
... just so he can hold my hand.
He'd come over to cook me lunch...
... just to see me smile.
He'd carry the groceries...
... just so I won't have to.
He'd sit on the floor with me to play on his laptop...
... just so I won't sit on the floor studying alone.
He'd stay up late with me...
... just so I'd have someone to call if I felt stressed studying.
He peeled me an orange...
... just so he could feed me while I studied.
Today he came over to hug me while I studied...
... just so I could;
He's worried I'll do badly if I still don't start studying.
It's the smallest things that make your world turn upside down.
It's these same things that make you think...
when he whispers & holds your hand,
"Don't go."
Because he wants you in his life. |
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| - sArAh - ♥ 11/22/2011 05:36:00 PM |
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| Because he won't, I will. |
| Wednesday, 9 November 2011 |
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I want to take one post to clarify everything because I know he won't. He won't do it because he'd rather be misunderstood than speak up; he's protective and vocal when it comes to me. But he doesn't know how to protect himself & that's just the start of how silly he can be, but it's endearing. In any case, I shall.
People ask me why haven't you given up. The thing is: it'd be easier to not care if he was really all that bad... The fact of the matter is that I know he still cares a lot for me.
It's all his caring for me that hurt him in the first place. He's always perpetually worried about me. Even over the most innocuous things. He cares for all the little details and that's what keeps me, or any girl for that matter happy. Because they care so much about all the small things.
All our fighting had added to his emotional stress, which was already at an all time high from family & school. Coping with all these was just too trying and complications arose while he tried to take a leave of absence, and he was made to withdraw from school. I feel somewhat responsible for costing him his law degree. But yet he doesn't blame me. He tells me that if he had to turn back time and choose, he would do this with me all over again.
We can't be together even though we care so much for each other & we can both make each other happy as hell because of this co-dependency. When things are good, it's an all time-high; but when things are bad, clearly the fights are emotionally draining for him as they are for me too. And if he's ever to pick himself up; this someone says he needs to learn to be away from me. To be independent, strong & and unaffected individual. I like the sound of that, just not what it entails.
However, the two of us happen to be almost just as stubborn; we met up yesterday after recently "re-friending" each other on Facebook. This was against the advise of friends on both sides to remain in contact. We had a long chat, some closure and the intention to move on. We have a vague idea of where we're going with this, we know what we want, but the means of getting there is pretty unclear. It's gonna be a long few months or years to live without someone that you can connect with on so many levels and hold long intellectually stimulating conversations with. But we're both determined to try.
What I am trying to say is that: he is no less hurting inside than I am. Maybe I cope with it a little differently, maybe badly (as some might put it), but it's not true that he doesn't hurt or that he doesn't care. I feel the need to tell everyone this because it isn't fair to him for people to feel that he's the only one to blame for where we stand today. It takes two hands to clap. Even at this point, he reproaches himself for "letting me down", for not being there enough for me, for not being able to do more. It isn't fair then that we thus conclude that he doesn't care because he's decided to do something for himself.
Instead of yelling at each other like we would in fights or on-the-verge-of-breaking-up moments, we parted amicably. Occasionally reminiscing the fun moments we shared. Both as friends and as a couple. We laughed, we cried and we said our goodbyes. For those who've never said goodbye to someone you love, it might be harder to understand the nuances of parting, but it doesn't mean the emotions are any less intense on our part. Some may even scoff at the fact that this isn't our first goodbye - but who said goodbyes were easy? If you can turn your back on someone you love that easily, suffice to say, you may not even have known the real value of that relationship at all.
The difference between this time and the last was that we tried to talk; but the happiness and companionship fades as soon as the call ends of the absence of the other party is felt. This happiness is thus replaced by a longing, pining feeling which eventually turns to grief. All this happens even in short spans of time and should be enough reason to restore some individuality to both parties' lives.
He has so much to lose; or rather, he has already lost so much. The last thing I'd want is that pretty smile to fade too. This is why we're both moving on our own paths for now. Because we both need this as much as we don't want to admit it. Although sometimes, it's me not wanting to admit things rather than him.
We've decided to take at least a five-year hiatus from each other. This departure should on one hand, it give me time to put my head right, on the other hand it gives us REAL time apart; so that the temptation to pick up the phone and give the other person a call when we see a sad status is less pressing. I hope to be a better person when I come back. And I will come back because I haven't given up on our friendship - it is like a wealth of untapped potential.
I hope the people who read this will understand that neither of us left for selfish reasons and that we're both having a hard time coping with this loss because we literally made the other party the center of our lives. It isn't fair to judge a failed relationship by either party simply because you haven't walked a mile in our shoes and done differently. I might have said some pretty hurtful things about him over the past few weeks; not to say that I lied, but it was how I felt then. Thinking back, I should not have done that and I have apologized to him for doing so.
As the "plaintiff" of this event, if I can forgive and forget, surely the people around me can too? Not because I am clouded, stupid and naive. But because someone like him, who doesn't readily forgive, has no qualms about hugging me even if I threw him out of my house in a fight or to run after me when I storm off in a mall while throwing a bitch fit. This man loves me and has given everything to protect me. Even if it means defending me against some people in pretty high places. And a big part of me, owes it to him where I stand today.
In light of all this, I have put up on our favourite photograph to give credit when him credit when it's due. Being my friend isn't easy sometimes; and he's done an excellent job.
I know this is one of the longest posts I've had on one particular person. But it's as real as I feel. I'm finding it hard to talk to the people around me because they are just so upset with us that their perspectives of our individual predicaments are clouded. The fact stands that I love him & I appreciate all that he's ever done for me - as a friend and as my significant other.
For that, I thank him & wish him well.
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| - sArAh - ♥ 11/09/2011 11:57:00 AM |
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Some mornings you wake up smelling like crap,
looking like crap...
but some mornings,
you wake up with a sudden realization of how things work.
Then I remembered something someone said:
"靠山, 山倒
靠人, 人跑
所以...
靠自己最好."
Maybe that makes sense.
But only if you're good enough to do that.
There again, no one died trying.
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| - sArAh - ♥ 11/04/2011 10:29:00 AM |
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| Another day spent missing. |
| Thursday, 3 November 2011 |
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Today was slightly better than the most of last week.
For the most part,
I believe it was because a wish of mine came true.
I slept better than I had all week.
I ate better than I had eaten all week.
I focused better than I had all week.
Silly. but true.
But that's just me.
I read this somewhere...
"Just because we don't talk doesn't mean I don't think about you.
I'm just trying to distance myself because I know I can't have you."
and realized what it meant to me.
What he means to me.
But that's just another post for another day.
When that day comes.
I firmly believe:
Because that flowers bloom in the worst of crap...
are provided the best conditions to enhance their beauty & splendor.
It's like someone said
"The flower that blooms in adversity
is the rarest and most beautiful of all." |
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| - sArAh - ♥ 11/03/2011 09:42:00 PM |
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| Sometimes, hurt and anger is good. It fuels change. In this case, it drives forgetting. Forgetting the hurt, injustice and pain.
In light of a recent breakup with a best friend of 6 years. I thought twice about deleting him off facebook. I thought about how he might have felt hurt or disappointed that the friendship meant so little to me to remove him like that.
But apparently, my concern for him far outweighs his for mine. Clearly I must have meant nothing to him at all.
I don't know if I'm feeling hurt because I still care... and how much I actually do. Perhaps it could just be disappointment: at his character... or my stupidity at trying to protect someone like that. or my stupidity for going out with someone... who has done the exact same thing to me before.
But what I do hope for... is for my concern to turn to indifference... before hate sets in.
... but time will heal those wounds with love from the people in my life that still care. |
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| - sArAh - ♥ 11/01/2011 04:08:00 PM |
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