XxMy pretty worldxX

Hopefully he'll never have to hurt this way again.

2012-01-01T16:47:00.001+08:00

I'm in a lot of pain. I've started a new year by ruining it for me and my boyfriend - we broke up.

I've had to give the person I love for a number of reasons. We're both in a lot of pain, but I'm certain in time to come, things will be come clearer and more certain.

We've been wavering between staying and leaving. While it kills me to make a decision like that, It's one that has to be made. While I officially seem like the witch of the century, at least one thing will come of it. He'll be better off and stronger in the long run. We've been fighting a lot more recently, and on one occasion, a scuffle ensued. It largely involved the slamming of doors, me hitting him, some shoving... and a whole lot of tears.

For a couple so happy, it seems almost incomprehensible that we would resort this means of communication. It's not that the two of us do not care or do not love each other anymore. The tension is beyond our control. I've been under a lot of stress and pressure recently. To the point where I don't even recognise the me I've become. At nights I contemplate withdrawing from school altogether just to leave everything behind me too.

Likewise has he; in fact, he almost wanted to give up going back to school just to stay in mediocrity with me. It's painful to know that someone ambitious that you love wants to give everything up for you, simply because. This would only lead to the same kind of regret that he had after he gave up the decision to pursue a double degree in medicine and law. He doesn't speak of it much - but if you love someone and know him well enough, you just know: the pain he has to endure. He even got slapped by his mother for thinking of not returning to law school. If he didn't return, he'd have mounting debts from existing bank loans and giving up a scholarship.

Despite him asking me repeatedly if he should give school up, I advised him to go back. He's worried about me, about how well I'd cope and if I could even cope at all.
He's reluctant to go and he keeps telling me that his ambitions and goals have changed. Again, no points for guessing, because of me.

Any girl would swoon and fall head over feet (that's the way he insists it is - and I'd argue it's head over heels) with a guy like that simply because he's a gem. Some might remember that he's still got a future, his own life to be responsible for. I simply cannot see him ruin his bright future over a girl; not as his best friend, least of all as his girlfriend.

Even though I've been encouraging him to go back to school, he's half-hearted and distracted at best. It's clear his heart wasn't in it; at least not until that fight we had... He needed a backup plan and was now determined to go back to school.

In light of him finally applying his leave of absence, needless to say, I was distraught. The means by which I intended to set things straight, was to leave; to go abroad and work or study. Both of us had reasoned not to talk to each other until I returned and he was willing to wait.

Realising that I would keep hurting him if I kept pushing him away, I asked for a breakup. Because even though we love each other, the tension, the anxiety, the stress is becoming excessively disruptive to both of us. It will also mean that nothing has changed since last Nov. I don't want him to suffer waiting and pining for me. I don't want him to be distracted. I don't want to hurt him. It's a bitch of a decision, but it's for the best.

I'm sure, one day, he'll come to understand, that whatever I've done today, was to protect him: both from my rage and from the distance.
I don't expect his forgiveness but he's still checking in on me to see if I'm ok. This is how much he cares for us.

It's strange that two people who care so much can't be together for whatever reason. At the very least, he's come to realise that his mum really does love him a lot and that once again, when he needs someone he's got a friend, a confidante, in her... and maybe... if he wishes,
me.

I'm sorry once again Hun. I really love you & I never meant for us to turn out this way.
But trust me, it will all get better in time.

A guy like him, really doesn't deserve a girl like me because despite what we've become, he's still supportive of me, still posting statuses to encourage me and get me through this loss that I've created in the first place.

For that, I'm Thankful.

I wish him all the best really, because I finally see that he's strongest, when I'm not in his life & if he's going to go where he wants to go; he's going to have to do it without, stress, hurt and distraction. Hang in there, for yourself, & not for anyone else. Because this silly child has always lived live the way people want him to, the way people shape him to. Stay strong because you aren't alone. Also, don't let anyone hurt you this way again; because you deserve better.<3

For a moment like this.

2011-12-17T21:11:00.003+08:00

There are some days, where no matter what you do, nothing seems to be right. And all you want to do, is to hide in your room and cry. If you're attached, then probably cry in the arms of your loved one. There are other days, when whatever you do just works out. I'm not bragging, but I got lucky today.

I spent and awesome afternoon at home with the boyfriend on the sofa uploading photographs of our recent "what-we-get-up-to-together-moments". We sat down and captioned about 150+ photos... tiring but fun.

It's the process that's endearing because you don't simply hear one person's p.o.v on the photo. You hear the other person's voice too. This is important especially when he doesn't speak up or he comes across as somewhat misunderstood.

We went out to the coffeeshop for a simple dinner and he decided to head back home after so that he wouldn't be home too late. He asked me to walk him to a bus stop; one that was further away from my house, but nearer to the coffeeshop, simply because it made less sense for him to walk back to the bus stop nearer to my house.

In all strange curiousity, I asked why wouldn't he walk with me to the other bus stop... because at least then I wouldn't have to walk that far home alone. Regardless, we were both puzzled to no end; I looked a little more disappointed and puzzled than he did.

Even though there was his bus at the bus stop, he said he'd give that a miss to spend more time with me. So we sat at the bus stop and he offered me a penny for my thoughts. My thoughts weren't much, but he gave everything he had for it. I told him exactly what I thought... and well... given the warm and fuzzy afternoon we had together, he asked me if I was being a little strange... During the course of our little chat, he missed another two more buses.

Nonetheless, the boyfriend hugged me, grabbed me by the hand and said, "lets go", as he pulled me towards the other bus stop. He gave in. I was over the moon, walking with a skip in each step, beaming like a child just out of a candy store with fresh loot. He described me as strange and silly indeed.

As it had rained horribly all afternoon, the walkway was filled with muddy puddles that we had to avoid in order to stay dry and clean. Unfortunately, at certain uneven points of the path, the entire pavement was blocked off by the mud puddle and the only way across would be to walk on muddy grass. Both of which, less than desirable options.

In order to get across, he got both his feet and slippers covered in mud and by the time we got to the bus stop, he was hot and bothered and dirty. In the process of getting to the bus stop, he missed another two more buses For someone who values his nice clean feet, that must mean something. I suddenly felt bad; I felt that if we had stayed at the first bus stop, he wouldn't be hot, dirty, tired and late. I suddenly felt unreasonable.

Instead of getting angry because I put him through unnecessary convenience, he held my hand, clearly uncomfortable from the sticky mud starting to dry off on his feet. Under normal circumstances he might have gotten a tad unhappy or even grumpy; I know I might have. Because sometimes, even though we want to please those we love, we seldom go out of our way to do so.

He sat me down as he missed yet another bus he could have taken towards the interchange and told me, "If the small things I do can make you smile like that and quell your insecurities then I'll do it." It was clear that he was really uncomfortable with his predicament (i.e. his muddy feet, muddy white slipper and being worried about being late home) yet he was trying to be the sweetest about it, even me kissing me on the forehead to reassure me that he wasn't mad at me for being strange and unreasonable

It was clear that he had made my night/my week/my month, whatever. He had just made me really happy and when I texted him to thank him for what he had said and the sweet gesture, he offered that evenings like these be compensation for the times that he makes me sad.

The point of this blog post is that everyone errs. There are times when our fights have left me sad, or made me cry. But I proffer that most other relationships have some kinks, fights, squabbles and even tears and our relationship seems only normal in the larger schema of things. I appreciate evenings like this that remind you of why you feel that he's "Mr Right".

I know there are people who feel we aren't compatible, ready to judge us or him for that matter. I only wish that these people would be here with me to witness the times when he tries his best to make things right, when he puts that smile on my face. When he, to quote Disney's Aladdin, provides that "indescribable feeling". I honestly hope that only if you know and understand what we have and what we're going through, will you comment, criticise or cast the first stone.

And to my special one, Thank you for loving me your own special way.

- For a moment like this, some people wait a lifetime.

The smallest things he does for me... just so I know I'm loved.

2011-11-22T17:36:00.001+08:00

In an earlier, somewhat depressing, post,
I acknowledged that my ex- and I were never going to speak again.

For whatever reason, he called & we both wavered.
We don't really know where we're headed with this.
We don't really know how we're intending to make this work.
But one thing we're sure of, we make each other happy.

He's been spending a lot of time with me recently.
Each day feels like our last.
Admittedly, it's a good way to spend time.
Because we value each other's company more.
Fights become more scarce.

Surprisingly, we've only fought once
since we started talking again.
Either that, or my memory fails me.

He's been encouraging me to work hard for my finals.
But my mind just isn't in it.
He'd normally get upset if I didn't spend enough time with him.
Perhaps, I'm doing good so he knows I do care.
Not only is he not upset,
he's been trying all the small things...
to cheer me up, to encourage me.

... It's really the smallest of things.
We went out to the usual Macs for brekkie and
he would stand in a queue for an extra hashbrown...
... just because I wouldn't.
He'd go with me to the supermarket to run errands with me...
... just so I wouldn't have to do it alone.
He'd push the trolley for me...
... just so he can hold my hand.
He'd come over to cook me lunch...
... just to see me smile.
He'd carry the groceries...
... just so I won't have to.
He'd sit on the floor with me to play on his laptop...
... just so I won't sit on the floor studying alone.
He'd stay up late with me...
... just so I'd have someone to call if I felt stressed studying.
He peeled me an orange...
... just so he could feed me while I studied.

Today he came over to hug me while I studied...
... just so I could;
He's worried I'll do badly if I still don't start studying.

It's the smallest things that make your world turn upside down.
It's these same things that make you think...
when he whispers & holds your hand,
"Don't go."
Because he wants you in his life.

Because he won't, I will.

2011-11-09T11:57:00.001+08:00

I want to take one post to clarify everything because I know he won't. He won't do it because he'd rather be misunderstood than speak up; he's protective and vocal when it comes to me. But he doesn't know how to protect himself & that's just the start of how silly he can be, but it's endearing. In any case, I shall.

People ask me why haven't you given up. The thing is: it'd be easier to not care if he was really all that bad... The fact of the matter is that I know he still cares a lot for me.

It's all his caring for me that hurt him in the first place. He's always perpetually worried about me. Even over the most innocuous things. He cares for all the little details and that's what keeps me, or any girl for that matter happy. Because they care so much about all the small things.

All our fighting had added to his emotional stress, which was already at an all time high from family & school. Coping with all these was just too trying and complications arose while he tried to take a leave of absence, and he was made to withdraw from school. I feel somewhat responsible for costing him his law degree. But yet he doesn't blame me. He tells me that if he had to turn back time and choose, he would do this with me all over again.

We can't be together even though we care so much for each other & we can both make each other happy as hell because of this co-dependency. When things are good, it's an all time-high; but when things are bad, clearly the fights are emotionally draining for him as they are for me too. And if he's ever to pick himself up; this someone says he needs to learn to be away from me. To be independent, strong & and unaffected individual. I like the sound of that, just not what it entails.

However, the two of us happen to be almost just as stubborn; we met up yesterday after recently "re-friending" each other on Facebook. This was against the advise of friends on both sides to remain in contact. We had a long chat, some closure and the intention to move on. We have a vague idea of where we're going with this, we know what we want, but the means of getting there is pretty unclear. It's gonna be a long few months or years to live without someone that you can connect with on so many levels and hold long intellectually stimulating conversations with. But we're both determined to try.

What I am trying to say is that: he is no less hurting inside than I am. Maybe I cope with it a little differently, maybe badly (as some might put it), but it's not true that he doesn't hurt or that he doesn't care. I feel the need to tell everyone this because it isn't fair to him for people to feel that he's the only one to blame for where we stand today. It takes two hands to clap. Even at this point, he reproaches himself for "letting me down", for not being there enough for me, for not being able to do more. It isn't fair then that we thus conclude that he doesn't care because he's decided to do something for himself.

Instead of yelling at each other like we would in fights or on-the-verge-of-breaking-up moments, we parted amicably. Occasionally reminiscing the fun moments we shared. Both as friends and as a couple. We laughed, we cried and we said our goodbyes. For those who've never said goodbye to someone you love, it might be harder to understand the nuances of parting, but it doesn't mean the emotions are any less intense on our part. Some may even scoff at the fact that this isn't our first goodbye - but who said goodbyes were easy? If you can turn your back on someone you love that easily, suffice to say, you may not even have known the real value of that relationship at all.

The difference between this time and the last was that we tried to talk; but the happiness and companionship fades as soon as the call ends of the absence of the other party is felt. This happiness is thus replaced by a longing, pining feeling which eventually turns to grief. All this happens even in short spans of time and should be enough reason to restore some individuality to both parties' lives.

He has so much to lose; or rather, he has already lost so much. The last thing I'd want is that pretty smile to fade too. This is why we're both moving on our own paths for now. Because we both need this as much as we don't want to admit it. Although sometimes, it's me not wanting to admit things rather than him.

We've decided to take at least a five-year hiatus from each other. This departure should on one hand, it give me time to put my head right, on the other hand it gives us REAL time apart; so that the temptation to pick up the phone and give the other person a call when we see a sad status is less pressing. I hope to be a better person when I come back. And I will come back because I haven't given up on our friendship - it is like a wealth of untapped potential.

I hope the people who read this will understand that neither of us left for selfish reasons and that we're both having a hard time coping with this loss because we literally made the other party the center of our lives. It isn't fair to judge a failed relationship by either party simply because you haven't walked a mile in our shoes and done differently. I might have said some pretty hurtful things about him over the past few weeks; not to say that I lied, but it was how I felt then. Thinking back, I should not have done that and I have apologized to him for doing so.

As the "plaintiff" of this event, if I can forgive and forget, surely the people around me can too? Not because I am clouded, stupid and naive. But because someone like him, who doesn't readily forgive, has no qualms about hugging me even if I threw him out of my house in a fight or to run after me when I storm off in a mall while throwing a bitch fit. This man loves me and has given everything to protect me. Even if it means defending me against some people in pretty high places. And a big part of me, owes it to him where I stand today.

In light of all this, I have put up on our favourite photograph to give credit when him credit when it's due. Being my friend isn't easy sometimes; and he's done an excellent job.

I know this is one of the longest posts I've had on one particular person. But it's as real as I feel. I'm finding it hard to talk to the people around me because they are just so upset with us that their perspectives of our individual predicaments are clouded. The fact stands that I love him & I appreciate all that he's ever done for me - as a friend and as my significant other.

For that, I thank him & wish him well.

A morning epiphany.

2011-11-04T10:29:00.002+08:00

Some mornings you wake up smelling like crap,
looking like crap...

but some mornings,
you wake up with a sudden realization of how things work.

Then I remembered something someone said:
"靠山, 山倒
靠人, 人跑
所以...
靠自己最好."

Maybe that makes sense.
But only if you're good enough to do that.

There again, no one died trying.

Another day spent missing.

2011-11-03T21:42:00.002+08:00

Today was slightly better than the most of last week.
For the most part,
I believe it was because a wish of mine came true.

I slept better than I had all week.
I ate better than I had eaten all week.
I focused better than I had all week.

Silly. but true.
But that's just me.

I read this somewhere...

"Just because we don't talk doesn't mean I don't think about you.
I'm just trying to distance myself because I know I can't have you."

and realized what it meant to me.
What he means to me.

But that's just another post for another day.
When that day comes.

I firmly believe:
Because that flowers bloom in the worst of crap...
are provided the best conditions to enhance their beauty & splendor.

It's like someone said
"The flower that blooms in adversity
is the rarest and most beautiful of all."

Hurt & Anger.

2011-11-01T16:08:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, hurt and anger is good. It fuels change.

In this case, it drives forgetting.

Forgetting the hurt, injustice and pain.

In light of a recent breakup with a best friend of 6 years.

I thought twice about deleting him off facebook.

I thought about how he might have felt hurt or disappointed

that the friendship meant so little to me to remove him like that.

But apparently, my concern for him far outweighs his for mine.

Clearly I must have meant nothing to him at all.

I don't know if I'm feeling hurt because I still care...

and how much I actually do.

Perhaps it could just be disappointment:

at his character...

or my stupidity at trying to protect someone like that.

or my stupidity for going out with someone...

who has done the exact same thing to me before.

But what I do hope for...

is for my concern to turn to indifference...

before hate sets in.

... but time will heal those wounds

with love from the people in my life that still care.

To the people whom I appreciate most in my life right now.(:

2011-10-29T12:49:00.007+08:00

My past 3 to 4 days have been filled with the most pain, hurt and betrayal.

But at the same time, filled with the most gratitude I can muster.

I'd like to thank a few friends who have helped me to pull through this period:

Aloysius for checking in with me everyday even though he's tired with work & reservist and trying to be supportive even if he doesn't agree with what I have in mind.

Zhaolong for lending me a ear to whine to especially when I know you're so busy; taking time out to reply me, call and let me go on for 50 mins when you're already so tired.

Elroy for good company in the middle of a long week & good wine.

Bi Ran for trying to be there for me even though i figure you had classes...

Stephanie who would hear me out because I just needed a girl to talk to, who would text me after classes to ask if I still needed a listening ear & offered to just be there for hugs.

These aren't the usual people I would turn to. In fact, they are some really awesome people I must have met in my lifetime because they were there when I needed someone.

At least these people made my week less of a nightmare to go through.

Yikuan, Maureen & Jih Huan - Thankkew to my 3 closest friends who made time to hug me and wipe my tears away, for putting me to bed because I was afraid of being abandoned again. For sitting down and telling me it's ok to hurt, because they would still love me even if I wasn't perfect like he wanted. For teaching me how to pick myself up.

Wen Hua, who tried to reshuffle his schedule for me when he realised that something wasn't right in my life; for offering me a hug and ear when he's supposed to have a group meeting, for trying to find ways to take me out so I don't stay in and mull & for even trying to fit me into plans he's made so long ago.

There's also my awesome sister whom I've spent half my life fighting with,

who would scold me for caring about someone who obviously doesn't care,

who would buy me chocolates and biscuits to find that smile on my face during this time,

who would still listen to me and hug me for being stupid.

Thankkew m.e.i.

& Frenny who has been offering me strength all the way from Australia.

I appreciate all these people who are standing by me just so I can get better. I've decided to let go because like most of you have reminded me, I can be much more without him.

Thank you for your support, ears, shoulders & love. I couldn't have made it through the week without you guys. (:

Letting go.

2011-10-29T12:28:00.002+08:00

I've decided to let go of everything.

Because every time I try to love him, I get hurt.

I try to do something for him as a friend;

only to be called a stalker.

The lies and hurt are piling.

He lied about valuing honesty, loyalty and what love meant.

Clearly I wasn't it. It took 3 friends, 250mls of vodka

& a night of alcohol intoxication for me to figure that out.

These friends helped to wipe tears that I could hardly keep up with.

Clearly he wasn't worth it.

I was crying because he wouldn't let me send him a card? No.

I was crying because I didn't try hard enough? No.

I was crying because I gave it my best, only to get hurt again

& by the one person I believed most in the world. My best friend.

Being helped into bed because my friends felt I was sufficiently wasted,

taught me that he's not going to be the one to stand by you when you're that down.

Maybe he used to. But not anymore.

Instead, those feelings were like the card that never reached it's recipient.

But it doesn't matter. All that... is past now.

Spilling Sweet Syrup

2011-06-07T03:03:00.004+08:00

There are some things money can't buy.

Real emotions can't be bought. And somehow a part of us knows that whatever we had today, was real. All 10 hrs of it. It's as real as real gets. Hours felt like minutes, minutes like seconds.

If it's something else money can't buy, it's bliss. Then genuine satisfaction that makes you feel like you're living the moment, and that you'd never want it to end. Simply because... It's the moment where the world would end and you'd be at peace mainly with yourself because you made the difference. That's my little slice of heaven.

But Cinderella's got her story, as do I.

All good things come to an end;

As waiting returns,

Only to be laid to rest,

A seventh day later.

Today ended with a quiz: "her on the line."

Will he get it? Or will he not?

Insight.Inspiration. or otherwise.

2010-11-02T23:23:00.004+08:00

I sat down and spoke with a friend today.

This friend was a little unsure of her new relationship.

Well, she clearly wasn't ready for a new relationship.

She felt that her issues hadn't been resolved since the last one

and clearly she was letting her emotions get ahead of herself.

I told her to wait and not rush things but she said she could handle it.

She said, "this one was different,

she knew better, she had her feelings in check."

Well. I could have told her, "I told you so."

but i didn't. I know better than that. I held my tongue.

I did however, point out later - which on hindsight,

I royally regret doing -

that she was in fact ill-suited in handling something like that.

It came out wrong, sounding mildly like me insinuating she was...

perhaps, needy, at best. Neurotic - well, at worst.

But I did assure her.

"We all get neurotic every now and then.

We all need a little more assurance.

Sometimes, they get it, sometimes they don't.

When they get the hint, they give us what we want.

When they don't, they just don't."

By the time I was done spouting wisecrack rubbish,

I realised that I was talking to myself.

Clearly she was just going to walk away from the problem.

What happened to true friends offering you

reality checks and constructive criticism?

I didn't mean to say the guy was blameless.

It's just her issues are going to tire them both out.

Then what?

She'll come round and say, "why didn't you tell me?"

And if I then say,

"I did. You just weren't listening."

We're going to fight anyway.

Lesson number one:

Sometimes, it's just better to keep your mouth shut.

It's like being caught between a rock and a hard place.

Do or otherwise, I'm damned.

You know what the irony is?

I've got my own unresolved issues.

Lesson number two:

Don't try to clean your neighbour's backyard

when you've got leaves in your own.

- if crying could make things better,

it'd be flooding tonight.

I told him I was going to sleep,

but I can't because of the thoughts swimming in my head.

He hit the nail on the head. But I'm not going to admit it.

He knows me better than I do myself anyway.

Tonight, I really don't need to wish for superpowers.

Because I looked for people to sit in my circle with me.

But no one was free to.

Despite all this, somehow,

something tells me that this feeling will go away

when I wake up tomorrow.

Because I guess that he'll look for me in the circle where he last left me.

And I presume that's where he'll find me.

I'm not sure about a lot of things,

but of that much, I'm sure.

He just won't say it.

2010-10-14T22:22:00.003+08:00

He's different.

He won't say it.

All he will say is this:

you've already won me over

in spite of me

and don't be alarmed if i fall head over feet

and don't be surprised if i love you

for all that you are

i can't help it

it's all your fault.

- lyrics of Head over feet.

But I suppose, it's better than nothing.

But maybe, he already has. (:

Contradictions.

2010-10-10T17:56:00.003+08:00

This girl wonders if she's rushing things.

She wants it fast, she wants it slow.

She doesn't know what she wants.

She's a bundle of walking contradictions.

But you see. This is what he treasures about her.

It's a little different.

He is different.

He's not the conventional type of guy.

He's not the type that goes all out to please.

He's just there. He cares.

In that sense, the stability she so craves, it's there.

Maybe this time... someone might really care for her.

Maybe this time... things might really work.

Hopefully wounds will heal quickly,

decisions can be made quickly...

she doesn't like the uncertainty this is bringing.

she doesn't like not knowing.

she wants to know this is real.

everything she's getting now, its so surreal.

She wants to know this will last.

She's not comfortable with so many things.

But you see, she's trying within her own limits...

to learn and change.

but what if she,

despite her changes,

still isn't good enough?

what if he bails on her?

what if things change...?

what if she can't meet him halfway...

no matter how hard she tries?

what if she just isn't that type of girl?

She doesn't want to say yes.

so that things will change tomorrow.

she wants everything to stabilise, normalise.

She wants to know what being in a relationship with him will be like.

But she's scared of what rushing into one entails.

She can't say she's not affected at all by what people think.

After all,

it's the people who love her...

who have encouraged her...

to take a leap of faith.

So she's selfish enough to ask him to wait for her. again.

she's worried that he can't.

she's worried that he won't.

These are irrational thoughts that bite at her.

But now that he knows how she feels,

he's promised to be there for her.

He always tells her...

he's not going to make her promises that he can't keep.

so she knows he intends to keep that promise to her.

but she lacks the encouragement to leave that shell behind.

Because where she is now,

there's a lot less fear, she can't be abandoned.

But she just needs to know that he won't leave her when she needs him most.

Right now, she knows he's not going anywhere.

She just needs to know if forever will last.

Especially since he's once told her that he's not sure about forever.

But he's trying.

He told her that forever doesn't sound that hard if its with her.

Even if it wasn't true, she bought it.

Lock, stock and barrel.

she's a sucker for such promises.

She's got faith that if he doesn't bail on her,

she's not going anywhere.

she just needs to trust that he won't change on her too.

she's just hoping that the next few months...

will make everything all right.

She cares a lot more than she ever shows it anyway.

Showing it has always been the problem.

Always is, always has been.

Maybe that's why people misunderstand her.

She can only hope he knows her well enough...

to trust where they're going with all this.

Priorities.

2010-09-29T16:43:00.004+08:00

Has all her priorities wrong.

because of you.

Has all her thoughts in disarray

because of you.

Has never felt so much anger

because of you.

Has never wanted so badly to hate

because of you.

Has never wanted to do something like that so badly

because of you.

Because of you,

I don't know what to do anymore.

It's messing up.

messing up my life.

There couldn't be a better time for a coma.

so that everything would just pause here.

The pain, the losses, the pain.

It doesn't stop. It will only pause.

In contemplation.

Before it proceeds again.

The house.

2010-09-28T20:58:00.003+08:00

I've been reserving a place for someone.
Oft been chastised for it.

People want to move in.
But if the tenant doesn't leave...
the house isn't empty.
Perhaps an eviction notice?

Someone told me...
that if someone he knew where in my shoes,
he'd put up a seizure on the place.
but...

Not everyone has that courage.
Not everyone has the tenacity
Not everyone has the determination.
Not everyone has the ability to let go.

Perhaps
the house ought to be demolished.
Maybe
the house should shelter vagabonds.
that come to spend the night and leave before the sun rises.

Because the house isn't good enough for its tenants.

Like people from two different worlds.

Spoken but not heard.

2010-09-28T20:39:00.004+08:00

You're only cared for as much as you're important to others.

That's a stupid thought. But no points for guessing...
It's been bugging me so much, I'm even blogging about it.

I'm going crazy because a myraid of thoughts plague me.
From the time I wake up until the time i actually fall asleep.
It floats around.
The crazy recesses that my mind takes off...
the 16 hours I'm awake in a day...
it still plagues me.
And I only fall asleep because I'm fatigued.

exhausted.
I should be happy that its the end...
of yet another rollercoaster emotional bumpy ride.
That it'll give me peace of mind.
But being the masochist that I am. I want seconds.
Because the thrill of being on that ride...
far outweigh its cathartic moments.

Hell. Why the rollercoaster anyway?
I don't even ride it. But that's what friendships are like.

Someone told me before.
For every friend that walks away,
you'll have someone else walking into your life.
Why cut yourself up over it?

The answer, I've learnt, is simple.
Some people overestimate their importance to others.
Whilst some underestimate their importance to others.
when overestimates and underestimates collide...
letting go becomes difficult.

I've learnt that
no matter how much you want to think somone is irreplaceable,
it's not true.
Others can and will replace you.

leaving.

2009-12-10T14:22:00.002+08:00

He's leaving me.
and I cried.

I cried because I don't want him to go.
I don't want him to leave.

My mind's in a whirl.
Confused.
Because I want him to go.
I want better for him.
I want him to be happy.

But yet...

I don't want him to go.
I want him to be with me.
I don't want us to die out just like that.

I'm selfish. I'm ambivalent about this departure.
But all-in-all, I'm still human.

xoxo,
sarah.

This girl lay naked, vulnerable and crying in the arms of the one who cried back for her.

On my flight to being a second class citizen.

2009-10-24T13:36:00.002+08:00

I got a sunflower.
for him.
I got a lot love.
for him.
I'm really happy to do a lot.
for him.

But where do I stand?
Next to him?
Behind him?

A second class citizen.
A skeleton in his closet.
Only to be thrown out
during the next spring clean.
Oh. which will be soon.
When he leaves again.
for good.

He will open up his closet,
toss out the skeleton,
for a newer one.
Pack up his clothes and leave.
And my closet will be empty.
Because I won't realise everything is missing,
everything has been left behind,
during the last plane flight to nowhere.

Omg. I've been feeling oh-so-emo again.
sigh.

This stupid girl made some stupid choices and fears her secret may be lost.

xoxo,
Sarah.

wonders.

2009-10-12T17:47:00.002+08:00

wonders about the wonders of love.
wonders if she's done the right thing.
wonders if she's really happy.
wonders should she be not?

wonders if he wondered about her today.
wonders if he wondered about her as he left that night.
He's left. a month already. but isn't that just right...?
for you to start all over?
only
for you to ask...
with or without him?

If you leave, he'll be lonely.
But he's leaving again.
When will he be back? Will he be back?
Will he come back this time?

You wanted to leave that night.
Girl, was that really what you wanted?
He doesn't quite want you around.
or does he?
You can't figure him out, can you?
I can't say no (to him), can I?

It's not meant to be emo.
but i think it came out emo again.
rawrr.

Emo thoughts fill this girl's head as she holds on to that secret.

xoxo,
Sarah.

love.

2009-10-10T08:49:00.002+08:00

wonders if loving someone works for her at all.
Sometimes... it may be better to be with someone who loves you more than you love him.
It's not so tiring that way.

She went to sleep pondering so many things.
In fact she was asleep when he called her.
And she woke up to keep him company,
because she'd never be too tired to hear his voice.

Then he decided that he wanted to go to sleep.
Well. Actually, that didn't make her feel too bad.

Until she watched something on the telly.
This girl's ruminations got the better of her.
She watched
this guy (who had an illness) breakup with the girl he loved.
Its not that he broke up with the girl cause he didn't love her.
He wanted to protect her, he wanted her to move on.
Without him.
But this breakup was initiated in the most abominable fashion.
He held an engagement party and made her dress up,
just to humiliate her saying he couldn't marry her
since it was all the idea of another woman whom he'd loved more.
That woman, a childhood friend of his,he best friend, his accomplice.
The guy flung the intended engagement ring into the pool.
The stupid girl jumped into the pool after the ring.

Am I, not that stupid girl?
Am I, not that stupid girl that jumped in,
to hold on to whatever was left?
He didn't even shed a tear.

So maybe the mechanics have changed after all.
So maybe you're just a backup on his shelf.

But maybe he does love you.
Maybe he'll tell you.

but, I don't want him to tell me,
I want him to show it to me,
I want to feel it.

But maybe I'll be gone before it happens.

sigh. another emo post.
rawr.

This girl's secret is out.

xoxo,
Sarah.

commitment.

2009-09-30T10:50:00.003+08:00

I asked him once, he did not say
I asked him twice, he did not stay
I asked him thrice, he said he'd swayed

commitment is a small word,
with huge implications.

It's like a promise. Commitment.
Commitment is a promise.

Like rings. Rings are promises too.
Only subtler. Not so much a spoken Commitment.

That's why they came up with
promise rings,
engagement rings,
wedding rings.

Am I moving too fast?
Am I leaving him behind?
Am I too eager? Or is he too concerned.
I threw caution to the wind a long time ago.
Maybe I want to be tied down.
Maybe I want to tie him down.

Maybe by saying what hes said,
or not saying what hes said,
says alot.

He wants to commit. But he's afraid.
He's afraid to tell the world he loves me.
He's afraid to love me because of what people will say.
He's afraid to commit to loving me.
That must be it.

I loved alot and lost alot.
I have alot...
but can I? Can I love as much?
Can I trust that such a commitment will work?

when none was made,
at all.

emo thoughts that run through this little girl's head.

This girl still guards that secret. (:

xoxo,
Sarah

feeling important is important.

2009-09-25T11:41:00.002+08:00

This girl badly wants to feel important.
She misses that feeling.

It's both there and not there,
all at the same time.

Shrouded in doubt,
love is coloured.

Unsure if she did it right at all.
Should she listen to her ears or her heart?

Her heart failed her once.
Her ears might foil her heart.
But since she's willing to give,
she should do so unreservedly,
shouldn't she?

This girl longs to feel important.
She is feeling important for the moment.
But only for the moment cause,
this moment is fleeting.
She can't grasp it completely because it won't let her.
She doesn't understand this concept,
but she's willing to learn about it.

can she do it?
can she succeed in doing so?
can it make her feel important?
can it make her regain that lost confidence?
can she stand up once again in the brilliance, knowing
that she's the center of his stage, for whom she will only perform...

His stage.

Will he help her, guide her and hold her?
Or will she be left to find her own?

All performers want a stage.
This girl has found one.
She's just unsure if it's really going to be hers.
She wants to work hard to make her dream come true.
Brilliance, flowers, applause and the spectacle.
means nothing to this performer if it isn't him.

Performers want attention.
This girl found someone.
she's just not sure if this someone can give.
can give her the attention she desires.

This girl has too many unresolved questions.
This girl is a performer.
This girl feels that feeling important, is important.

My emo thoughts for the day. (:
This girl is still holding on tightly to her secret.
She loves her secret.

xoxo,
Sarah.

Something special did happen after all...

2009-09-23T14:56:00.003+08:00

Someone said something that meant the world to me.

"My quest for love ends with you..."

I wonder if this is really it. (:

Things happen for a reason,
sometimes you might not see it,
sometimes you don't want to see it,
sometimes you simply deny having seen it.

I finally understand that,
what happened has made me come to terms with how I really feel.
I'm willing to do it,
and I'm not scared
nor am I ashamed of doing so.

I only hope that we'll brave everything together, holding hands.
You will, won't you??

This silly girl is still guarding her lovely secret.

xoxo,
Sarah

Ambiguous.

2009-09-08T23:00:00.001+08:00

Finds that ambiguity is good and bad all at the same time.
Sometimes it clarifies things,
sometimes it mystifies things.
Sometimes it draws things closers,
sometimes it draws things apart.

Ambivalence towards such ambiguity.
Really. (:

This girl is still guarding her little secret.

xoxo,
Sarah

Good things do happen.

2009-09-03T10:51:00.003+08:00

I'm convinced that good things do happen.
seek and you shall find.

Something good happened for me yesterday.
I'd like to share that joy. (:

This girl is still seeking to protect whats hers.
Her little secret.

xoxo,
Sarah

Changes (:

2009-09-02T12:07:00.004+08:00

I'm back from the states.
started a new term.

Celebrated a couple of birthdays,
watched a number of good shows
and hung out with loads of great friends.

Everything seems pretty constant.

But, not everything is.

I've also been through a breakup
realised that I have a medical condition
and learnt what family means.

Someone important told me this story;
too lengthy for me to retell.
But in essense it taught me one thing.
"It could be good, it could be bad."

The number of things that I came back to, all saw changes.
Even my dog changed.
Even the estate I lived in changed.
Habits changed, people changed.

Actually, people who should never change,
whereas those who shouldn't, have.

Despite these changes that I seldom adapt well too,
I came out with 2 invaluable things.

Priceless friends and a valuable secret.
Some things are just worth giving everything up for.

This isn't meant to be a sad entry of sorts.
In fact, I'm pretty pleased with what's happened so far.

I'm going to work hard to achieve something,
for myself,
my family and my *secret.

*secret - in reference to a pact.

This girl knows that this secret is worth fighting to protect.
This secret means the world to her.
This secret is what will drive her.

xoxo,
Sarah.

Nothing much to do

2009-05-20T07:47:00.002+08:00

Ok.

So I've worked a little and played alot.

Today is just one of those days that are just plain boring.
We're not working, not studying, just lazing around.

The worst thing is that
you can't really travel cause you got stuff to do.
Just every morning.
Why can't we have social security, bike rentals, bank acc opening
all on the same day?

This is just beyond me.
Anyway. Hope my weekend starts real soon.
Then I can start working for real mann.
No more OJT. I'll be working unassisted.
I like the thought of that.

Hope its not too warm come monday.
You can kinda feel the weather warming up here.
Usually you'de freeze outside your blanket after a min.
Now u kinda start to feel abit warmer.
Just that you can't leave your house in shorts and a tee yet.

It seem the weather can get as hot as 40 to 45 degs.
That's just insane. But I guess that's Summer here.

I'm so bored right now. really.
Maybe I should go and sleep.
Oh wait.

I did that already.

xoxo,
Sarah.

14th May 2009, Wildwood - NJ

2009-05-14T12:25:00.002+08:00

I'm exhausted after a day of shopping at Atlantic City.
We went from shop to shop,
particularly those plastered all over with SALE or CLEARANCE signs.

Went from COACH, to Nike, to Disney, to Adidas, to GAP, to Guess,
... and the list goes on...to Banana Republic, to Calvin Klein.

I told Farhan we girls would keep it under 4 hours...
But, who knew, even the guys couldn't! haha.
It's that exciting.

I think it can't get any better than 9.99USD for a pair of Ck Jeans.
Seriously.
I also managed to get a fleece jumper from Disney.
At the kids section. My jumper says: ages 10-12.

Hm. That's for the kid in me.
Bought some stuff at GAP.
Clothes were going for less that 6USD.
Basically... I like.

Got one for Dim and one for boyfriend. (:
Don't worry, didn't forget you guys.

Anyway, I got Moreyentation tmr at 3.45pm.
Better get some rest. (:

xoxo,
- sArAh -

Still up.

2009-03-10T00:24:00.002+08:00

Like a little child that's just been given a bag of sweets,
I'm enjoying every second of getting my laptop back from servicing.
I've missed it. Almost a good 10 days now since I last saw it.

Anyway, I'm rushing against time to load back all my programmes.
Wish me luck..!!

Oohs. Speaking of which I have a VISA interview at the US embassy tomorrow.
I hope I do OK. (:

Better get back to my stuff.

xoxo,
- sArAh -

Finally uploaded my camera photos.

2009-02-08T00:14:00.009+08:00

I finally found the time to transfer out the photos from my camera into my computer.
Unfortunately, this really isn't my computer. It's my mum's.
Mine's cranky and we sent it back to Toshiba for repair.

This is the cake that Ryan got for me on my birthday.

The little colourful hearts are made of chocolate. Nice to look at and nice to eat. Unlike the flowers. Goodness. It was more like stale wafer flowers on a pretty cake. Quite a killjoy. But nonetheless, we had a great time. And surprisingly, for non cake eaters that usually share a slice of cake for the formality of it, we actually finished the whole thing within 2 days.

Last weekend, my uncle pulled a pleasant surprise.
He bought the house a 40" plasma tv and a home theatre system.
Watching tv is so cool now. The living hall is like... voila~!

However, the old 29" tv is still in really good condition,
so it's been relocated to my parent's room, rather than throw it out.
We had to reshuffle all the furniture in the room to accomodate the tv.
Quality family time spent packing the house, again. :)
3rd weekend in a row to be precise.

Having had too much time today,
my uncle, Ryan and I made a little kennel for Tucker.

We cut up the home theater system box as soon as my dad said we could throw it out.
It's a more space saving option compared to the "landed property"
(using the plasma tv box) that my uncle wanted to make for Tucker.
We even added decorations to the front door.

Tucker looks annoyed. Seriously.

Well, that's all for today I guess. (:
Will post again sometime...

xoxo,
- sArAh -

Happy Chinese New Year

2009-01-27T23:51:00.003+08:00

Happy chinese new year to all...
best wishes to all in the new year....

Unfortunately for me,
because my birthday was on the 1st day of the lunar new year..
not many ppl remembered my birthday.
Rawrrr.

Daddy and mummy gave me a brand new camera.
Ryan gave me a pretty chocolate banana cake from secret receipe.
Sister says I get to claim anything I want as long as its within the budget.
Gang gave me a matching anklet/braclet set.
Azri gave me a pretty handbag.
Yayy.

Frenny also sent her wishes all the way from aussie to wish me..!!
And to the many that remembered thanks for the birthday wishes..

Just wanna post this big birthday wish to my best friend, Jih Huan..
HAPPY 20th BIRTHDAY...!!!

xoxo,
love - sArAh -

5 days past new year.

2009-01-05T18:50:00.010+08:00

Funny how time flies.
It was a couple of weeks towards macau..
Then to christmas..
Days to the chalet...

Suddenly, new year celebrations are over.

Well. we had loads of whacky fun at downtown east.
Whilst waiting for the rest to come,
Frenny, Gina, and myself had TEA at Teasire.
Frenny and I shared this really interesting flower tea
and we competed to see who spilt less tea.

Actually the net worth of everything that Frenny and I shared would probably be loads more than the amount that we would have consumed had we not shared the food (in a bid to bluff ourselves that we would consume less food that way).

Later after Jian Qiang joined us, we went to the arcade where we won 2 tweety stuffed toys...
not by virtue of the fact that we got lucky, but purely because this machine guzzled our coins. We spent a good $90. Good old childish (and expensive) fun.

We waited for Yuan Ting and Yun Tong to turn up with the long list of stuff to pick up from NTUC. Only to find that none of the items in the list were bought. Well at least they brought the key entertainment. Lol.

Later, Frenny and I watched Wu Zhong Ming and Cao Ge onstage at downtown east.

Back in the chalet, we were admiring our prizes for the day.
Once Jih Huan and Melvin reached we played Bang! (card game) to the tunes of Ayumi Hamasaki in the background.

We started to watch 21 at about 1.45am but not without a bowl of hot cup noodles for the greedy souls. The show sparked off a sudden craze in the room where Yun Tong, Jih Huan, Melvin and myself were determined to uncover the gameshow host theory and tried to count cards.
It is difficult. extremely difficult. So we gave up after awhile and played rounds and rounds of bridge. Suddenly it was 8am. Just as Frenny got up, I went to slp.

Anyway, after brunch we went to the arcarde to spend the day. Topped up the arcade card with $80 but had $160 value to play with. Pure madness & bliss.

Went back to the chalet to watch Supersize me. Ironically doing so whilst sharing KFC with Frenny.

Had a cool BBQ with loads of satay and chicken wings, but a shortage of marshmallows.

Then they played cards, whilst I iced a less than desirable cake.
The lights went off and we watched a mystery drama series.
It was 30% lame, 30% scary and 30% mystery... 10% spoof.
So mysterious that the guys were hugging tweetys,
snatching pillows and looking away.

Well, it was one of those unusually inactive, unlively countdowns.
Such that everyone around: next door, outside, bbq pits
were excited and counting down. Everyone except for us.

Those were the highlights of the year end chalet. (:

Well Ryan just sent me a big bouquet of flowers.
Thanks for the wonderful surprise.

xoxo,
- sArAh -

Pure bliss.

2008-12-11T23:56:00.004+08:00

It has been almost pure bliss for 2 weeks now.
Except for falling sick for about a week,
I have had pure fun doing nothing.
Lazing around is rewarding. (:

I have also assumed the role of ahmat (slang for chauffeur),
other than that, the royal cook.

I like my holiday. Alot.
Been mapling alot though,
but I'll be away for awhile (from the 19th dec - 24th dec)
because I'll be on a short trip to China/Maccau.
However, I'll be able to pick Frenny up from the airport (18th dec)
and join my merry gang for the year end chalet.
Oooohs. Can't wait. Yayys.

So no blogging,no mapling then. (:

Also managed to drag myself out for a nice long morning walk with Mel and Tucker.

Recently went to watch a Russian circus act at downtown east with Mel.
It was "ohhh so cool" with trapeeze acts, clown acts, aerial acrobatics,
juggling, unicycles and pyrotechnics.

I also caught up with a crazy bunch of colleagues from M&C over lunch.
Did i mention that my sis now works there?
Anyway we had lunch together,
lots of laughs and enough fun
to last a good while before we meet again.(:

My christmas tree is up,
all thanks to the wonderful sister and Ryan.
No thanks to Tuck tuck. (:
Oh, but it does lack christmas lights.

Hugs and kisses to all my friends.

Countdown 13 days to Christmas...

Exam time. (:

2008-11-22T22:56:00.003+08:00

Unfortunately for me,
while most of my friends have no exams (slackers... :P)
or have already completed theirs (damnit.) ...
mine are 2 days away.

There is a good and a bad to that. It is coming real soon.
But, it will also end real soon.
Friday's my last paper... so ...
Next weekend is parrrtyy time.

Looking forward to that. In the meantime...
those having your exams too, good luck people...!!!

Gotta return to my books. Drat!

Happy 19th birthday sweetie (:

2008-11-22T22:00:00.000+08:00

22nd November - It's my boyfriend's birthday...
and he spent the WHOLE DAY all with me (:

Happy birthday sweetie.
You're now 19. (1 more year to the big 2)
So play nice with other boys in army. XD
And, don't forget to ALWAYS be nice to me.
Best wishes, hugs, and kisses.
Your girlfriend.

tsk. stop writing in the little black book and go and study.
- and i wonder what wish you made at swensens ...
suppose I'll never know ?

xoxo, - sArAh -

Exams are coming.

2008-11-08T11:37:00.003+08:00

Unfortunately for me, my exams are coming and i feel utterly uninspired to study.
It is not as though I have nothing to do, but the problem lies with the "studier" aka ME.

However, I have decided that I will develop a "Dummies Guide on how to study".

Until then, it's back to the books.
Cheerios, and best of luck to all those taking exams.

And my magical countdown starts at 17...

xoxo,
- sArAh -

Hi..!

2008-11-02T13:46:00.000+08:00

Hey.

I know I haven't been blogging in awhile.
recently set up a new blog.
Do check it out. (:
Enjoy people.

Oh. Btw, thanks dimbubble.

love, hugs and kisses . xoxo
- sarah.