Reliving the trauma again.

I feel I do so much better alone.

Just a moment ago, I was prepared to go to bed. 
But unfortunately, I had to open my phone with a series of upsetting text messages that started a full out panic attack, a whole lot of anxiety and a whole out war with the aggressor who was clueless as to why.
In order to calm myself, I ended up cleaning the house and have decided to just work my night away because I'm waaay to tense to sleep anyway.

I'm frustrated because the sheer mention of that person just upsets me. It's hurting because the aggressor has no idea as to how much trauma the past has caused me.

This is the effect she has on me; maybe it isn't all her fault, but I am full aware, a large part of it was; her deliberate actions & unintentional consequences. The other part of it was his comparing of me to her, making me feel inadequate, doing things for her that he'd never ever have done for me. 

For all that pain they've caused me collectively, I hate her, I hate the way they've made me feel. I don't like her & I wish either me or her would just disappear - I considered migrating because of the two of them. I don't want to exist in the same space that she does - she's not gonna up and leave, but I'm willing to. I wish my moving away could erase all the memories and pain that she's caused me. That they've caused me. Because of what she's done, what he's done, most of such reminders often leave me crying (much like tonight).

He complains about having to resolve issues on his own. Does he know what I need, what I want...? No. He imposes himself on me, imagining what I may need/want, leaving me to fend off the repercussions of his actions on my own. I can't handle his presence, but his absence pains me too. He wants to be a part of my life - hoping daily that I'll let him in; but in truth, I find that thought too frightening. Every time I give and inch, he tries to take a yard. There's no respecting of boundaries and as usual, my needs are still not respected. It never was in our relationship, why should it be any different now right...?

Move on? sure. I could if I didn't have to keep reliving those moments through such incidents.
I can't deal with it simply because there's too many painful memories and too much unpacking to do. If I wanted to, I could & the fastest most painless way would be to keep him & everyone else out too.

I'm ever fearful of allowing him to be nice to me because it's clear that expectations are still there. He still hopes that I behave like a girlfriend even when I've made it clear that I'm not. I just want to be friends, why is that so difficult? Having been traumatised by my last relationship, I'd do anything to avoid being in another relationship.

I'm in a bad situation because it's clear he can't love me the way I need to be loved, just as I can't give him what he needs. I hate his friends and I'd love to tell him, please don't stay in touch; but each time I lie to myself, telling myself that I can deal with the pain that his company, his mention of them brings me.
Naturally, I can't, because these are the people he valued more than me; enough to give me up once (at west coast) and blame me for the chain of events later.

These are the defining nature of "true" friends whom he now questions when I'm not by his side and I wonder why...? Why is he turning to me now; has he chosen again? Worse of all, it sounds like he still hasn't stopped with the comparing - what his friends do for him... or what his best friends are doing for him. Failing to take into consideration my repeated pleas for me to not talk about any of the people in his life.

I'm frightened of him & all these people & I wish that if I wasn't where I was in my life, I could just pack up and leave all of this behind me. 

*still crying and wishing that tonight never happened.