leaving.

He's leaving me.
and I cried.

I cried because I don't want him to go.
I don't want him to leave.

My mind's in a whirl.
Confused.
Because I want him to go.
I want better for him.
I want him to be happy.

But yet...

I don't want him to go.
I want him to be with me.
I don't want us to die out just like that.

I'm selfish. I'm ambivalent about this departure.
But all-in-all, I'm still human.

xoxo,
sarah.

This girl lay naked, vulnerable and crying in the arms of the one who cried back for her.

On my flight to being a second class citizen.

I got a sunflower.
for him.
I got a lot love.
for him.
I'm really happy to do a lot.
for him.

But where do I stand?
Next to him?
Behind him?

A second class citizen.
A skeleton in his closet.
Only to be thrown out
during the next spring clean.
Oh. which will be soon.
When he leaves again.
for good.

He will open up his closet,
toss out the skeleton,
for a newer one.
Pack up his clothes and leave.
And my closet will be empty.
Because I won't realise everything is missing,
everything has been left behind,
during the last plane flight to nowhere.

Omg. I've been feeling oh-so-emo again.
sigh.

This stupid girl made some stupid choices and fears her secret may be lost.

xoxo,
Sarah.

wonders.

wonders about the wonders of love.
wonders if she's done the right thing.
wonders if she's really happy.
wonders should she be not?

wonders if he wondered about her today.
wonders if he wondered about her as he left that night.
He's left. a month already. but isn't that just right...?
for you to start all over?
only
for you to ask...
with or without him?

If you leave, he'll be lonely.
But he's leaving again.
When will he be back? Will he be back?
Will he come back this time?

You wanted to leave that night.
Girl, was that really what you wanted?
He doesn't quite want you around.
or does he?
You can't figure him out, can you?
I can't say no (to him), can I?


It's not meant to be emo.
but i think it came out emo again.
rawrr.

Emo thoughts fill this girl's head as she holds on to that secret.

xoxo,
Sarah.

love.

wonders if loving someone works for her at all.
Sometimes... it may be better to be with someone who loves you more than you love him.
It's not so tiring that way.

She went to sleep pondering so many things.
In fact she was asleep when he called her.
And she woke up to keep him company,
because she'd never be too tired to hear his voice.

Then he decided that he wanted to go to sleep.
Well. Actually, that didn't make her feel too bad.

Until she watched something on the telly.
This girl's ruminations got the better of her.
She watched
this guy (who had an illness) breakup with the girl he loved.
Its not that he broke up with the girl cause he didn't love her.
He wanted to protect her, he wanted her to move on.
Without him.
But this breakup was initiated in the most abominable fashion.
He held an engagement party and made her dress up,
just to humiliate her saying he couldn't marry her
since it was all the idea of another woman whom he'd loved more.
That woman, a childhood friend of his,he best friend, his accomplice.
The guy flung the intended engagement ring into the pool.
The stupid girl jumped into the pool after the ring.

Am I, not that stupid girl?
Am I, not that stupid girl that jumped in,
to hold on to whatever was left?
He didn't even shed a tear.

So maybe the mechanics have changed after all.
So maybe you're just a backup on his shelf.

But maybe he does love you.
Maybe he'll tell you.

but, I don't want him to tell me,
I want him to show it to me,
I want to feel it.

But maybe I'll be gone before it happens.


sigh. another emo post.
rawr.

This girl's secret is out.

xoxo,
Sarah.

commitment.

I asked him once, he did not say
I asked him twice, he did not stay
I asked him thrice, he said he'd swayed

commitment is a small word,
with huge implications.

It's like a promise. Commitment.
Commitment is a promise.

Like rings. Rings are promises too.
Only subtler. Not so much a spoken Commitment.

That's why they came up with
promise rings,
engagement rings,
wedding rings.

Am I moving too fast?
Am I leaving him behind?
Am I too eager? Or is he too concerned.
I threw caution to the wind a long time ago.
Maybe I want to be tied down.
Maybe I want to tie him down.

Maybe by saying what hes said,
or not saying what hes said,
says alot.

He wants to commit. But he's afraid.
He's afraid to tell the world he loves me.
He's afraid to love me because of what people will say.
He's afraid to commit to loving me.
That must be it.

I loved alot and lost alot.
I have alot...
but can I? Can I love as much?
Can I trust that such a commitment will work?

when none was made,
at all.

emo thoughts that run through this little girl's head.

This girl still guards that secret. (:

xoxo,
Sarah

feeling important is important.

This girl badly wants to feel important.
She misses that feeling.

It's both there and not there,
all at the same time.

Shrouded in doubt,
love is coloured.

Unsure if she did it right at all.
Should she listen to her ears or her heart?

Her heart failed her once.
Her ears might foil her heart.
But since she's willing to give,
she should do so unreservedly,
shouldn't she?

This girl longs to feel important.
She is feeling important for the moment.
But only for the moment cause,
this moment is fleeting.
She can't grasp it completely because it won't let her.
She doesn't understand this concept,
but she's willing to learn about it.

can she do it?
can she succeed in doing so?
can it make her feel important?
can it make her regain that lost confidence?
can she stand up once again in the brilliance, knowing
that she's the center of his stage, for whom she will only perform...

His stage.

Will he help her, guide her and hold her?
Or will she be left to find her own?

All performers want a stage.
This girl has found one.
She's just unsure if it's really going to be hers.
She wants to work hard to make her dream come true.
Brilliance, flowers, applause and the spectacle.
means nothing to this performer if it isn't him.

Performers want attention.
This girl found someone.
she's just not sure if this someone can give.
can give her the attention she desires.

This girl has too many unresolved questions.
This girl is a performer.
This girl feels that feeling important, is important.

My emo thoughts for the day. (:
This girl is still holding on tightly to her secret.
She loves her secret.

xoxo,
Sarah.

Something special did happen after all...

Someone said something that meant the world to me.

"My quest for love ends with you..."

I wonder if this is really it. (:

Things happen for a reason,
sometimes you might not see it,
sometimes you don't want to see it,
sometimes you simply deny having seen it.

I finally understand that,
what happened has made me come to terms with how I really feel.
I'm willing to do it,
and I'm not scared
nor am I ashamed of doing so.

I only hope that we'll brave everything together, holding hands.
You will, won't you??

This silly girl is still guarding her lovely secret.

xoxo,
Sarah

Ambiguous.

Finds that ambiguity is good and bad all at the same time.
Sometimes it clarifies things,
sometimes it mystifies things.
Sometimes it draws things closers,
sometimes it draws things apart.

Ambivalence towards such ambiguity.
Really. (:

This girl is still guarding her little secret.

xoxo,
Sarah

Good things do happen.

I'm convinced that good things do happen.
seek and you shall find.

Something good happened for me yesterday.
I'd like to share that joy. (:

This girl is still seeking to protect whats hers.
Her little secret.

xoxo,
Sarah

Changes (:

I'm back from the states.
started a new term.

Celebrated a couple of birthdays,
watched a number of good shows
and hung out with loads of great friends.

Everything seems pretty constant.

But, not everything is.

I've also been through a breakup
realised that I have a medical condition
and learnt what family means.

Someone important told me this story;
too lengthy for me to retell.
But in essense it taught me one thing.
"It could be good, it could be bad."

The number of things that I came back to, all saw changes.
Even my dog changed.
Even the estate I lived in changed.
Habits changed, people changed.

Actually, people who should never change,
whereas those who shouldn't, have.

Despite these changes that I seldom adapt well too,
I came out with 2 invaluable things.

Priceless friends and a valuable secret.
Some things are just worth giving everything up for.

This isn't meant to be a sad entry of sorts.
In fact, I'm pretty pleased with what's happened so far.

I'm going to work hard to achieve something,
for myself,
my family and my *secret.

*secret - in reference to a pact.

This girl knows that this secret is worth fighting to protect.
This secret means the world to her.
This secret is what will drive her.

xoxo,
Sarah.

Nothing much to do

Ok.

So I've worked a little and played alot.

Today is just one of those days that are just plain boring.
We're not working, not studying, just lazing around.

The worst thing is that
you can't really travel cause you got stuff to do.
Just every morning.
Why can't we have social security, bike rentals, bank acc opening
all on the same day?

This is just beyond me.
Anyway. Hope my weekend starts real soon.
Then I can start working for real mann.
No more OJT. I'll be working unassisted.
I like the thought of that.

Hope its not too warm come monday.
You can kinda feel the weather warming up here.
Usually you'de freeze outside your blanket after a min.
Now u kinda start to feel abit warmer.
Just that you can't leave your house in shorts and a tee yet.

It seem the weather can get as hot as 40 to 45 degs.
That's just insane. But I guess that's Summer here.

I'm so bored right now. really.
Maybe I should go and sleep.
Oh wait.

I did that already.

xoxo,
Sarah.

14th May 2009, Wildwood - NJ

I'm exhausted after a day of shopping at Atlantic City.
We went from shop to shop,
particularly those plastered all over with SALE or CLEARANCE signs.

Went from COACH, to Nike, to Disney, to Adidas, to GAP, to Guess,
... and the list goes on...to Banana Republic, to Calvin Klein.

I told Farhan we girls would keep it under 4 hours...
But, who knew, even the guys couldn't! haha.
It's that exciting.

I think it can't get any better than 9.99USD for a pair of Ck Jeans.
Seriously.
I also managed to get a fleece jumper from Disney.
At the kids section. My jumper says: ages 10-12.

Hm. That's for the kid in me.
Bought some stuff at GAP.
Clothes were going for less that 6USD.
Basically... I like.

Got one for Dim and one for boyfriend. (:
Don't worry, didn't forget you guys.

Anyway, I got Moreyentation tmr at 3.45pm.
Better get some rest. (:

xoxo,
- sArAh -

Still up.

Like a little child that's just been given a bag of sweets,
I'm enjoying every second of getting my laptop back from servicing.
I've missed it. Almost a good 10 days now since I last saw it.

Anyway, I'm rushing against time to load back all my programmes.
Wish me luck..!!

Oohs. Speaking of which I have a VISA interview at the US embassy tomorrow.
I hope I do OK. (:

Better get back to my stuff.

xoxo,
- sArAh -

Finally uploaded my camera photos.

I finally found the time to transfer out the photos from my camera into my computer.
Unfortunately, this really isn't my computer. It's my mum's.
Mine's cranky and we sent it back to Toshiba for repair.

This is the cake that Ryan got for me on my birthday.


The little colourful hearts are made of chocolate. Nice to look at and nice to eat. Unlike the flowers. Goodness. It was more like stale wafer flowers on a pretty cake. Quite a killjoy. But nonetheless, we had a great time. And surprisingly, for non cake eaters that usually share a slice of cake for the formality of it, we actually finished the whole thing within 2 days.


Last weekend, my uncle pulled a pleasant surprise.
He bought the house a 40" plasma tv and a home theatre system.
Watching tv is so cool now. The living hall is like... voila~!

However, the old 29" tv is still in really good condition,
so it's been relocated to my parent's room, rather than throw it out.
We had to reshuffle all the furniture in the room to accomodate the tv.
Quality family time spent packing the house, again. :)
3rd weekend in a row to be precise.

Having had too much time today,
my uncle, Ryan and I made a little kennel for Tucker.

We cut up the home theater system box as soon as my dad said we could throw it out.
It's a more space saving option compared to the "landed property"
(using the plasma tv box) that my uncle wanted to make for Tucker.
We even added decorations to the front door.













Tucker looks annoyed. Seriously.











Well, that's all for today I guess. (:
Will post again sometime...


xoxo,
- sArAh -

Happy Chinese New Year

Happy chinese new year to all...
best wishes to all in the new year....

Unfortunately for me,
because my birthday was on the 1st day of the lunar new year..
not many ppl remembered my birthday.
Rawrrr.

Daddy and mummy gave me a brand new camera.
Ryan gave me a pretty chocolate banana cake from secret receipe.
Sister says I get to claim anything I want as long as its within the budget.
Gang gave me a matching anklet/braclet set.
Azri gave me a pretty handbag.
Yayy.

Frenny also sent her wishes all the way from aussie to wish me..!!
And to the many that remembered thanks for the birthday wishes..

Just wanna post this big birthday wish to my best friend, Jih Huan..
HAPPY 20th BIRTHDAY...!!!

xoxo,
love - sArAh -

5 days past new year.

Funny how time flies.
It was a couple of weeks towards macau..
Then to christmas..
Days to the chalet...

Suddenly, new year celebrations are over.

Well. we had loads of whacky fun at downtown east.
Whilst waiting for the rest to come,
Frenny, Gina, and myself had TEA at Teasire.
Frenny and I shared this really interesting flower tea
and we competed to see who spilt less tea.

Actually the net worth of everything that Frenny and I shared would probably be loads more than the amount that we would have consumed had we not shared the food (in a bid to bluff ourselves that we would consume less food that way).

Later after Jian Qiang joined us, we went to the arcade where we won 2 tweety stuffed toys...
not by virtue of the fact that we got lucky, but purely because this machine guzzled our coins. We spent a good $90. Good old childish (and expensive) fun.

We waited for Yuan Ting and Yun Tong to turn up with the long list of stuff to pick up from NTUC. Only to find that none of the items in the list were bought. Well at least they brought the key entertainment. Lol.

Later, Frenny and I watched Wu Zhong Ming and Cao Ge onstage at downtown east.

Back in the chalet, we were admiring our prizes for the day.
Once Jih Huan and Melvin reached we played Bang! (card game) to the tunes of Ayumi Hamasaki in the background.

We started to watch 21 at about 1.45am but not without a bowl of hot cup noodles for the greedy souls. The show sparked off a sudden craze in the room where Yun Tong, Jih Huan, Melvin and myself were determined to uncover the gameshow host theory and tried to count cards.
It is difficult. extremely difficult. So we gave up after awhile and played rounds and rounds of bridge. Suddenly it was 8am. Just as Frenny got up, I went to slp.

Anyway, after brunch we went to the arcarde to spend the day. Topped up the arcade card with $80 but had $160 value to play with. Pure madness & bliss.

Went back to the chalet to watch Supersize me. Ironically doing so whilst sharing KFC with Frenny.

Had a cool BBQ with loads of satay and chicken wings, but a shortage of marshmallows.

Then they played cards, whilst I iced a less than desirable cake.
The lights went off and we watched a mystery drama series.
It was 30% lame, 30% scary and 30% mystery... 10% spoof.
So mysterious that the guys were hugging tweetys,
snatching pillows and looking away.

Well, it was one of those unusually inactive, unlively countdowns.
Such that everyone around: next door, outside, bbq pits
were excited and counting down. Everyone except for us.

Those were the highlights of the year end chalet. (:

Well Ryan just sent me a big bouquet of flowers.
Thanks for the wonderful surprise.

xoxo,
- sArAh -