Dilemma♥

The pretty world I've been trying so hard to re-established took a complete turn for the worse when I was prescribed a certain drug today.

It's a classic case of how much of your functioning is you... And how much else... Is the drug.

I guess... I never really was capable to pick myself up on my own. Perhaps... This was the way things were meant to pan out. Perhaps the drug was the key.

I finally understand his grouse with having to take the little pill. Because you don't want to be dependent on it. You don't want to feel you can't cope, you can't do well without it.

I'm just disappointed with myself. And suddenly, I'd rather endure my sleepless nightmarish nightly hells, the torrents of pain...than succumb again... To the lures of this evil blue.

So deadly. So many. So unwelcoming.
So ... Distracted by these thoughts...

So maybe... Just one more night - one more comforting night to escape the tears, the pains of this revelation.

Before the morning comes & tomorrow is again hard to bear.

-thoroughlydisappointedwithmyself

I thought he might♥

Perhaps I'm being silly.
Perhaps I should know better.

I'm not really sure what made me feel like he would have called back. Is it just me...?

I supposed I'd never know... But I haven't the courage... To break another earnest plea... For me to leave him alone so he may recover better and faster.

Having shared my innermost thoughts upon his request, I feel ashamed of having asked... Of having asked him to ask that I stay - how could he. Stupid selfish me.

It's not like he didn't know or wouldn't know how it'd have hurt me to ask... It's not like I didn't know what it would cost him; how it would hurt him to say no.

But deep down inside, I'm still the silly, fragile me. Scared and hoping for him to realise that I need to be protected just as much as he does. But... On the outside... I'm pretending to be a failing facade of strength... Something i've never been.

I in all my silliness, wish that it would have been me instead of his mummy lying in the ICU. Because only maybe, would he be able to get past himself just to hold my hand again for that one night. Just to be by my side, unrestrained because of whatever is holding us both back.

I'm just so silly... The things I do to push myself... Just to hear his voice, just to keep my sanity...

I can't wait for me to leave. That way I'll never be a burden to him again.

#sillythoughtsrifeinahelplessmind

Maybe it is possible ♥

It does seem possible that wounds can heal - it doesn't mean no scars, only that the wounds stop bleeding.

I suppose it helps that someone bears your likes/dislikes in mind, offering to meet you mid-way instead of his way. It's pretty cool to rediscover a certain kindness about the person - good-naturedly giving up his seat to an elderly woman because I thought of giving mine up.

It's also neat that the person doesn't lament your errands & offers a compromise to meet you for supper when he knows he can't do lunch with you.

I suppose this is plenty different from the apparent rejection I've been accustomed to.

While all these seem like silver linings of a dark cloud, unfortunately, it's still the dark cloud I'm holding on to. The cloud that I want... Even if it's the thunderstorm I'm so afraid of.

It's not the comfort in the sun I seek, but the solace that the rain hides my tears in each drop, each...

Feather.

At least some well wishes for the long week ahead were much appreciated because someone cared enough to know what I was going through. So thank you. (:

#hechosetheprettyplasterstosealtheopenwounds

Of guilt. ♥

I suppose Jacob does exist. In a weird, roundabout kind of way.

Maybe... The theory... It happens... Afterall.

It's the little concessions, the oft thoughtfulness. The supposed bearing your likes and dislikes in mind. Fascinating, yet not compelling.

I finally sold out today - not longer new to those hands that would attempt to knead me and mould me into another of the accepted trophies that line the pages of pictorials that people so love.

My futile resistance: a bagel.cream cheese.strawberry jam. - futile indeed.

To lighten up the cravings, my guilty pleasures oft quelled by the fatigue of packed schedules, I'm like a bloodhound, hooked on the scent of my prey, driven insane by the smells of the chase - tired by nightfall, because the rest only permits a little more than forty winks before the hunt resumes.

#beingbusykeepsthepaintoaminimal

Long night ♥

The long night punctuated with unwanted silences and painful facades of concern and happiness.

Decisions have been made, only short of following through with some actions.
I'm not particularly prepared for such an upheaval. But it's a necessity.

Nonetheless, I am frightened & I wish I needn't have to deal with any of this; much less alone.

On the upside, I'm thinking of actually bailing on graduation day. It doesn't hold as much meaning for me as I thought it would. Besides, it just wouldn't be the same... Well... As I had always imagined. Such things are only... Once a lifetime... And you can't turn back the clock for a second shot at photos later.

I did so much wish to have at least one...
Maybe that's why I guess, it'll be better not to go at all, so that I won't have to look back wistfully & lament the particular absence.

Tonight's another painful night, made worse by all the things I fear most...
And the thought... That after tomorrow, I would have sold out. I wouldn't be me. Betraying me for something I never thought I'd stoop to.

#suffocatedbyguilt&fear

Gotta be you ♥

I seldom if ever post video links onto my blogs for fear of the page taking forever to load.

I decided I'd make an exception today because my friends may actually unfriend me if I choose to put up yet another emo-song/status on facebook.  

This song is pretty meaningful. - I guess at some point of time in our lives or other, we feel we've met the one & we feel like we've let the person we love down. Sometimes we get our second chances, well... sometimes, life isn't so kind.


Another song that's pretty awesome...

I simply love the chorus:
But if you know
How do you get up from an all time low
I'm in pieces; It seems like peace is the only thing I never know
How do you get up from an all time low
I can't even find a place to start
How do I choose between my head and heart
Till it ceases I never know
How do you get up from an all time low.


#theaftermath

A terrible lie. ♥

I've never had to lie more convincingly in my life before.

I prayed and crossed my fingers as if my life depended on it. Well, it's true. A life did depend on it.

Just not mine.

At least it'll be easier to bear the sharpness of the disappointment, the pain of the inevitable and yet another endless fall into this abyss of despair.

Never have I been more honest and dishonest with one person before.

I'm sorry I lied to you tonight. I wasn't ok. I hurt badly. I wanted to shred myself. But I didn't want you to see me like that. I couldn't hurt you more than I already had tonight.

I'm sorry I burdened you with my trivial dreams and wild child fantasies. I should have realised that you couldn't stop to smell the roses. Not that you didn't want to. You couldn't.

It hurt me when I knew what I was doing to you in the afternoon. But I was selfish. I tried to ignore it the night before. I'm sorry. I knew that you hurt; but I couldn't step away. I loved you too much to think I could spend another day without you.

I'm sorry I lied that I didn't feel/hurt when I said what I did and made you tear. It was true that I wasn't being vindictive about the whole incident - but it's really because I couldn't deal with another departure. I wanted to quickly hang up and cry myself to sleep. But again, I can't rest until I know I've "told you" the truth.

I'm sorry I lied to you last night. I really am. I just didn't want you to feel like you had to deal with me when you were already feeling lousy.

I guess you were right when you said what you did - I need to grow up. Because even superman can't always be there to save the day. And you're only human - with your own dreams & life to lead.

A few things I did mean however:
1. That I really love you.
2. Never meant to hurt you.
3. Am going to leave you alone from henceforth &
4. I won't be back until you call for me.
5. I've always found a way to make myself as true to you as I possibly could. Tonight included.

Until we ever talk again...

I'll be under that same tree I spoke with you about. Holding my book. Waiting for you, to decide that it's me you'll trust enough to sit there with.

Right here waiting for you. I have faith you'll figure it out before the sun sets in paradise. I hope when you ask me to stay, it'll be because you want forever with me, and not because you don't want me to leave.

I've decided to leave... And I'm not sure how long I'll be gone this time or if I'll be back or when I'll be back. I'm sorry. I've decided to leave, knowing how much I've hurt you.

- I suppose you weren't too far off about calling me the O-A girlfriend. As much as I resent that comparison.

I'm just glad I never made you anymore promises that I'd actually be aware that I'd potentially break. Thank you for giving me that much leeway.

#iveneverwantedtodiemorebadlythantonight

Of Broken promises♥

Even though I know I asked, I thought it might have been otherwise.

I guess it's just another day of unfulfilled promises of "I wills" and "I dos" with a lack of conviction in following through with them.

Sometimes, it's moments like this that remind me that...

"you're clearly scrap metal. Not gold. Not diamond. You're not even semi-precious. Just metal that no one really wants anymore."

Maybe I used to be gold, shiny and valued. Not anymore, not today.

You're not of the same substance or value and least of all, should you expect someone to want anything like that. It's a worthless thing. Costly, with nothing to gain and everything to lose.

Nobody wants scrap metal.
At least no one who has everything going for them.

Only the people who struggle to make ends meet, who've been kicked to the curb... Would look upon such scraps as something of value, of potential sustenance.


The girl wonders, if perhaps, it was deliberate, if perhaps, he didn't know what she really thought or meant... Or if perhaps, she had fallen prey again to words he never meant as the promises she so heard.

As he knows not what her mind holds,
She knows not what his holds.
& so this distance grows...
Eventually into a huge monster - Named pride - that can only be calmed with pangs of guilt & regret.

Identity♥

In recent times, I've been trying to find myself.

I make a terrible vampire. I've achieved a complete inability to sleep every night for the past week. However, it just means I'm flat out during the day. At least my own blood doesn't taste half bad. I know. That's just gross.

Tonight, I'm going Japanese. Totally not something I'd do under normal circumstances. But we'll see how it pans out. Who knows? Moving to Japan mightn't be a bad thing.

Tomorrow, I get to be me. The good girl I think I used to be. Just to see how well I like it.

After all, I've been naughty the whole week. Who loves good girls anyway?


My little quarter-life crisis; my return from the brink of insanity.

Coping.♥

As much as I resent it...

Tonight, I consent.

To succumb to its tasteless lulls.

It dulls the senses & numbs the pain.

Making good the chance that tonight will be...

That little bit easier.



- thisgirlsatupallnightcrying.