Silly Me.

Sometimes, girl, you are plain silly.

Why do you hope when it doesn't happen?
Who are you to wait for something that won't?

Time? No.
Because he wouldn't give you what you couldn't give him.
Because he's busy.
Because there are other things.
Other more important things, no doubt.

A text? It won't be him.
You aren't anyone to him.
If he texts anyone, it will be one of them.

A call...? No.
That's not what you want.
You wouldn't pick up anyway.

An option? No.
That isn't what he is.
Because as much as he is what makes you happiest,
this happiness comes with a cost.
This happiness doesn't last.

You'll get hurt? No.
He wouldn't hurt you? But he has.
Hard as he has tried not to, you still got hurt.
Even if you hurt him too.

And even knowing this...
you're still here?

Oh my. Oh my. Dear girl, Indeed you are silly.

Oh are you tearing?
...

As much as he is your answer,
he is your pain.
As much as you want him as a friend,
the ambiguity of his actions confuse you, give you hope,
then tear you down.

This, my dear, is what happens, when you let your guard down,
when you let him in, and he walks out on you again.

Will he pick you up...?

or...

Are you just being silly all over again?

#howdoichoosebetweenmyheadandheart
#sodifficulttobereal

Good luck. (:

Not wanting to be additionally disruptive...

I'm sending well wishes to some people who are in need of it in advance for their exams tomorrow.

Good luck y'all. ((:

Many many well wishes & prayers for everyone <3

Losing touch.

I'm just a little surprised to learn that he's lost touch with so many things.

Perhaps it's masked behind the arrogance, perhaps he doesn't want me to know he knows.

Perhaps he really just doesn't know.
Oh well. Nothing new.

Can't expect him to be in sync if he hasn't been in the loop for awhile now.

Still... Lessons learnt, no regrets.

#evenmoreconvincedimdoingtherightthing

When movies get you thinking.

I have it in there for a reason.
So that every time I open it,
I get a chance to take a glimpse.
A second glance.

One of the best things he gave me in recent times?
A keepsake.
That which keeps me going even
I've got every reason to walk away.

But that's precisely it.
He seems to be like tony stark;
The intelligence, the arrogance,
the whole I know i can do no wrong,
I'll have her come running back to me in a moment.

The show made me think more about the many allusions he'd drawn between the two couples before.

He's an egomaniac. She's a control freak.
He's a mess after multiple incidents, she know he needs her, she loves him too much to leave, but can't live with him either.

The defining moment? That phone call - he almost apologizes for the paranoia... And well, the rabbit. But ultimately, we all know that when it all came crumbling down, he gave everything to protect the one thing he claimed he couldn't do without.

How many people can do that...?

Interestingly I've gotten back from a long day, but instead of sharing the what's-it-nots and the mundane-ities of the day?
My preoccupations are with other things.

Perhaps lamenting Pepper Potts but at the same time applauding her courage.

There are many things that Gil could have given her, but I suppose she's content with what Stark couldn't. That's love.

In a nutshell?
More questions than answers - perhaps this just really isn't who I am.

Regardless, things don't change.
Anger doesn't soothe when it starts to let in on itself. I almost succumbed that evening.

Ultimately, bedtime & hopefully the sleep will soothe the burning.

Just for one night, I'm going to be indulgent and wistfully enjoy the missed presence of... Tony.

learn.

perhaps this is all you're getting.
isn't that enough?
Have you not yet learnt?

Isn't it better than late nights,
screaming down the line,
tears, blaming and faulting?

Perhaps there's less excitement,
perhaps there's less passion.
Perhaps you don't feel the same way.

But it's a much safer, less hectic decision to make.

This decision doesn't blame. It encompasses.
When it doesn't get replies. It understands.
When it doesn't get responses it seeks. It cares.
It's more concern than it is paranoia.

How do I not consider that this might be a lot less simpler?
Is this what I'm looking for?
Is this what I could perhaps try, try to learn to love.

Even if not now, not tomorrow.
But if only I give it time,
I could learn to give back what he has given me today.

Only now I need to learn to put down what I'm still holding on to,
yesterday.

I thought of this in relation to an incident that happened yesterday and I asked myself.
What would he have done?
One would yell at me, send me nasty angry text messages, badgering me to pick up - almost accusatory with an entitlement mentality.
One would patiently wait for replies, perhaps urging a reply with an interim text - almost concerned that something might have happened, but never prying more than he should.
What would you go with? Patience? or Anger?

One of my biggest grouses in recent times is the lack of privacy and the lack of respect offer unto me by unsuspecting parties. Be it the invasion of my personal spaces by "stalking" behaviour or even resorting to reading my private messages. Private messages "popped up" but the reasonable man would close them, not read them for 5 minutes before doing so. But again, this reinforces why I cannot live with someone like that.

If we were close enough friends, I would have told him about my mixed bag of feelings.
But I reasoned that I don't owe him any explanations; as much as I feel a certain way, it's just not going to happen that way. I'm hanging out with who I like, when I like, simply because I'm entitled to. I would do that even if they were female. Only difference is that this someone seems to like me, seems to value me.

Almost in the ways I'd hope for, but you hardly did. I've said this once and I'll say it again:
"If you cannot stand watching how I choose to spend my life and with whom I've chosen to go out with, then by all means, leave.
Because I do not want the negativity to affect my feelings towards the people in my life.
Least of all, is that negativity going to encourage me to look upon you favourably and want you back in my life to fill that giant void."

As much as I need to learn, I think he needs to learn to let go, learn to walk away.

Point proven

This is why in stark comparison, I shouldn't ever go back.

Because when it doesn't suit his fancy, he'll threaten me. Threaten to hurt me. Threaten me with things I might regret.

Obviously, it is this kind of behavior that drives one away. Perhaps, into the embrace of a less warm, less caring, less enthusiastic but nonetheless safer place.

Sometimes, these are the nights that reinforce why any contact at all is bad.
That from a smattering, an iota of concern, dissipates so quickly into nonchalance or even disdain.

What I like least of all are the flip-flopping of I love yous, scattered amidst the I don't like yous. The ambivalence isn't healthy.
I need someone who can make up his mind, stick to it and be a constant for me.

Love doesn't hurt you.
Love doesn't threaten you.
As we have tonight with each other.
It's crystal clear, we don't love each other anymore.

exhaustion.

So exhausted. So tired.

I wish I could take a long break, stay in and sleep the night away.
Tonight perhaps, is going to be the night where I sit around and do nothing with my life.

Because it is the one night where I couldn't possibly feel more burnt out than ever.

#tryingtokeepeverythingtogether

Never thought.

I'd never thought that things would turn out this way.
Things have reached a point of no return
and I'm frankly too frayed, too tired to care anymore.
I'd kept chasing him away in the hopes of being able to recover.
Simply because I can't get past the hurdle that was, that used to be us.
Each time he approaches, he makes things very difficult for me,
such that at some points, I'd much prefer if he didn't approach at all.

I used to love the fact that he cared.
If he were a good, then that would most likely have been his selling point.
"He loves me", I'd often chirp to my friends and family.
I don't know when I stopped believing.
I stopped trusting. I started doubting.
With no help from the input of my peers,
I built up a wall so thick.

All these, just to protect me from him.
fear is a learned response.
I've chased him out because he scares me.
He's unpredictable and that's what I don't like.
Too complicated and complicated is dangerous.
Being friends with someone like that is tough.
Because you can't love them, you can't be with them.

It's safer and wiser to "not like him".
But, last night it went into hate.
I never thought I'd use this word.
Least of all on him.
I don't like how he toys with my feelings,
Strings me along & hangs me out to dry.
We don't deserve any of this.

We don't deserve each other.
We deserve space.
We deserve time.
We deserve to heal.
We deserve the right to our own choices.
We deserve the outcomes that follow.
Most of all, we deserve to be treated like we deserve.

After all, it was apparent last night that he only got close to me
to impress upon me his viewpoints and to still defend the honour
of what he apparently feels is more important. Everyone else.
If he cannot even respect me as a human being,
he's never going to respect me (my needs/wants) for who I am.
Because of that I made the decision, and resolved to cut off all contact and
not have anything to do with this person I once thought was family.

If only you knew.

If only you knew the trauma you put me through each time your name pops up.

only want the chance to heal, to recover, to be free from you.
not that it's ever going to happen for me is it?
like a knife, you cut through freshly sealed wounds each time
you try and talk to me.

while I understand your intentions,
all the people in my life are encouraging me to move on.
never have I listened to them before; look where that got me.
truth be told, I don't have the courage to talk to you anymore.

thankfully, I can choose when I feel comfortable to reply.
obviously, even that doesn't cut it as effort for you, does it?

Because you feel that you're ready for change, that I should be too?
everything was done your way when we parted less than amicably.

although i still care, I really know I shouldn't, I can't.
like a poison, you seep through me with even the slightest contact.
offering yourself to me like there isn't any price.
not only do I know there is a price. It is in fact, an
expensive one at that.

...

One I really cannot afford.
If I have to, I will keep you out of my life.
Because all I want is simplicity & that's not something you can offer.
That's not something you can respect.

We're not a couple anymore, I don't owe you anything.
Don't expect, don't demand.
In fact, methinks, that you should be thankful, I'm even replying your efforts to reach out.

Learn to listen as you once did before.
Perhaps then you'll realize that we live in different worlds now.

Difficult.

Today was so difficult
on so many levels.
To accept? Or reject?
All the hard decisions.
Like things weren't already hard.
Letting go like this is harder.
You just couldn't make it simple could you?

First world problems: some might say.
Rallying up more courage just to say "no"
Always remembering the hurt,
You caused me just so I would leave.
Everyday I remind myself it wasn't real.
Dying a little more inside each time.

Please. Why won't you be kind to me?

Penny for my thoughts.

I wish it would happen pronto, because

as
much as I'm

loving my freedom,
onlooking the excitement as an
outsider is hardly fun. There again,
keeping it in, isn't easy either.
Is it?
Now this isn't something I've done before. It's like a
gamble.

For the most part, it seems
obvious enough.
Regardless of what you say, it's wrong. Simply because it's

A foray into the unknown.

Frustrated just trying to
Wait for something to happen.
Besides, who ever said anything would. Right?

Relationship.

How do these things happen anyway?
By chance? Too risky.
By fate? Hah - sure.

The call.

I suddenly found myself in one of those difficult long drawn nights where you spend hours pining aimlessly over the what ifs and what nots of someone's absence.

While I know I shouldn't hope, I can't help but receive a call at some ungodly hour with silence on the other end of the line.

I thought it might have been him.
Maybe even secretly, I wished it might have been him.

Until my realization kicked in that a deep voiced meek woman chirped from the other end of the line.

With the whole saga, I'd primed myself not to pick up any more house calls because I don't know who might be on the other end of the line. I only answer my hand phone and even so, it's done selectively with the help of my caller-ID.

Having learnt the art of silence, I hadn't yet unlearnt the silence, to recover myself from the realization that I could, I should speak. Even if out of mere courtesy.

Disappointment aplenty, I hastily informed her that she had gotten the wrong number and secretly resolved to keep this embarrassing moment to a once-off.

It was an off moment. Indeed.

He wouldn't call.
No.
He shouldn't call.

*cue Bruno Mars - talking to the moon in the background.

Words he used to say.

 

Was listening on the radio when this song came up and it brought back a lot of memories of things he used to tell me.

Interestingly enough, I can almost imagine him echoing the lyrics of the song every time we fought back then.

Not sure if that's because we fought a little too much, a little too often or really because these thoughts still linger.

But really, that's all in the past - it's definitely not that he feels the same way he did back then.
Right now, I'm certain we're both doing much better without each other.

 

A little effort.

It really doesn't take much to know.

The texts, the asking afters, the going out of his way & the little things he notices about me. Even when he tells me what he gets up to, it's probably to keep me in the know, so I know he didn't bail on me to do something else that could wait.

Only that, not once has he pointed out that I've inconvenienced him, or that he's gone out of his way, for me.

Suppose I knew. Then what...?

One advised me to enjoy courtship. It comes but once in a long while.

Another advised me to milk it for its worth. A tad too unethical for me.

Yet another encouraged me to put on the green light as a ticket to starting afresh.

A little effort.
Just a little more to convince me that what I'm doing might just be right.

11:11

11:11.
Enough said.

The time-turner.

"Flow not the sands of a humbled clock,
for time lost cannot be regained."

The person I've held dear for so long, reached out to me, but I backed away, both in fear and agony.

Perhaps it's for the better, because I know I will succumb to the comforting folds of his voice, the softness of his embrace and the painful throes of our pained contact.

I'm just hoping and wishing the best from afar because that's where I feel slightly safer, less vulnerable. My life, is a choice I'm making & I stand by the decisions I've made yesterday (good or otherwise) for today & the decisions I make today, for tomorrow.

Just as an agreement to sever all contact, was made, it should be abided as wills oft are reviewed, rewritten, in lieu of changed hearts.

My heart hasn't changed, but as with circumstances, grown cold, but not bitter, not resentful.
It doesn't despise. It still loves.
It doesn't move on, it still pines.
It doesn't remain hopeful though.

Because all it took, was one night to convey the understanding of how wrong I was in my misplaced faith, exchanged for with...

The threat that I will never want to look back upon.

Missing.

What happens when you miss someone so much that you wanna call.

But know you shouldn't, know you can't.

When someone else asks you why not someone else, you say... Just because it isn't him.

When someone else caresses you, you remind yourself carelessly... It isn't him.

Oh. Dear. Girl. Why so silly? Especially when you know he doesn't love you, he's never cared...?

Because simply... It's him.
That's what I loved about it.

It was him.
But he never believed it.

Little encouragements.♥

Today something went right for me.
PTL - for my faith has been rewarded. <3

Besides that, were little texts of encouragement that saw me through my tough day.

Little texts that made sure meals were timely, or of nutritional value. Little texts that showed interest or genuine concern on the outcomes of such a harrowing decision.

For people in my life who have stood by me, thank you. For those who have sent me little congratulatory wishes, also thank you. For those who are happier for me than I am for me, also, thank you for you.

... And my family and the tough times and support I'll be needing, thank you... In advance.

When I get there, I'll thank you all again properly. ♥

A mixed bag. ♥

Should be nothing, but yet there's something.

Should be anything, but yet it's everything.

The smallest gestures. Alas!

It's the smallest gestures that make you tear, smile and feel confused inside.