I'm in a lot of pain. I've started a new year by ruining it for me and my boyfriend - we broke up.
I've had to give the person I love for a number of reasons. We're both in a lot of pain, but I'm certain in time to come, things will be come clearer and more certain.
We've been wavering between staying and leaving. While it kills me to make a decision like that, It's one that has to be made. While I officially seem like the witch of the century, at least one thing will come of it. He'll be better off and stronger in the long run. We've been fighting a lot more recently, and on one occasion, a scuffle ensued. It largely involved the slamming of doors, me hitting him, some shoving... and a whole lot of tears.
For a couple so happy, it seems almost incomprehensible that we would resort this means of communication. It's not that the two of us do not care or do not love each other anymore. The tension is beyond our control. I've been under a lot of stress and pressure recently. To the point where I don't even recognise the me I've become. At nights I contemplate withdrawing from school altogether just to leave everything behind me too.
Likewise has he; in fact, he almost wanted to give up going back to school just to stay in mediocrity with me. It's painful to know that someone ambitious that you love wants to give everything up for you, simply because. This would only lead to the same kind of regret that he had after he gave up the decision to pursue a double degree in medicine and law. He doesn't speak of it much - but if you love someone and know him well enough, you just know: the pain he has to endure. He even got slapped by his mother for thinking of not returning to law school. If he didn't return, he'd have mounting debts from existing bank loans and giving up a scholarship.
Despite him asking me repeatedly if he should give school up, I advised him to go back. He's worried about me, about how well I'd cope and if I could even cope at all.
He's reluctant to go and he keeps telling me that his ambitions and goals have changed. Again, no points for guessing, because of me.
Any girl would swoon and fall head over feet (that's the way he insists it is - and I'd argue it's head over heels) with a guy like that simply because he's a gem. Some might remember that he's still got a future, his own life to be responsible for. I simply cannot see him ruin his bright future over a girl; not as his best friend, least of all as his girlfriend.
Even though I've been encouraging him to go back to school, he's half-hearted and distracted at best. It's clear his heart wasn't in it; at least not until that fight we had... He needed a backup plan and was now determined to go back to school.
In light of him finally applying his leave of absence, needless to say, I was distraught. The means by which I intended to set things straight, was to leave; to go abroad and work or study. Both of us had reasoned not to talk to each other until I returned and he was willing to wait.
Realising that I would keep hurting him if I kept pushing him away, I asked for a breakup. Because even though we love each other, the tension, the anxiety, the stress is becoming excessively disruptive to both of us. It will also mean that nothing has changed since last Nov. I don't want him to suffer waiting and pining for me. I don't want him to be distracted. I don't want to hurt him. It's a bitch of a decision, but it's for the best.
I'm sure, one day, he'll come to understand, that whatever I've done today, was to protect him: both from my rage and from the distance.
I don't expect his forgiveness but he's still checking in on me to see if I'm ok. This is how much he cares for us.
It's strange that two people who care so much can't be together for whatever reason. At the very least, he's come to realise that his mum really does love him a lot and that once again, when he needs someone he's got a friend, a confidante, in her... and maybe... if he wishes,
me.
I'm sorry once again Hun. I really love you & I never meant for us to turn out this way.
But trust me, it will all get better in time.
A guy like him, really doesn't deserve a girl like me because despite what we've become, he's still supportive of me, still posting statuses to encourage me and get me through this loss that I've created in the first place.
For that, I'm Thankful.
I wish him all the best really, because I finally see that he's strongest, when I'm not in his life & if he's going to go where he wants to go; he's going to have to do it without, stress, hurt and distraction. Hang in there, for yourself, & not for anyone else. Because this silly child has always lived live the way people want him to, the way people shape him to. Stay strong because you aren't alone. Also, don't let anyone hurt you this way again; because you deserve better.<3
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