Because he won't, I will.

I want to take one post to clarify everything because I know he won't. He won't do it because he'd rather be misunderstood than speak up; he's protective and vocal when it comes to me. But he doesn't know how to protect himself & that's just the start of how silly he can be, but it's endearing. In any case, I shall.


People ask me why haven't you given up. The thing is: it'd be easier to not care if he was really all that bad... The fact of the matter is that I know he still cares a lot for me.


It's all his caring for me that hurt him in the first place. He's always perpetually worried about me. Even over the most innocuous things. He cares for all the little details and that's what keeps me, or any girl for that matter happy. Because they care so much about all the small things.


All our fighting had added to his emotional stress, which was already at an all time high from family & school. Coping with all these was just too trying and complications arose while he tried to take a leave of absence, and he was made to withdraw from school. I feel somewhat responsible for costing him his law degree. But yet he doesn't blame me. He tells me that if he had to turn back time and choose, he would do this with me all over again.


We can't be together even though we care so much for each other & we can both make each other happy as hell because of this co-dependency. When things are good, it's an all time-high; but when things are bad, clearly the fights are emotionally draining for him as they are for me too. And if he's ever to pick himself up; this someone says he needs to learn to be away from me. To be independent, strong & and unaffected individual. I like the sound of that, just not what it entails.


However, the two of us happen to be almost just as stubborn; we met up yesterday after recently "re-friending" each other on Facebook. This was against the advise of friends on both sides to remain in contact. We had a long chat, some closure and the intention to move on. We have a vague idea of where we're going with this, we know what we want, but the means of getting there is pretty unclear. It's gonna be a long few months or years to live without someone that you can connect with on so many levels and hold long intellectually stimulating conversations with. But we're both determined to try. 


What I am trying to say is that: he is no less hurting inside than I am. Maybe I cope with it a little differently, maybe badly (as some might put it), but it's not true that he doesn't hurt or that he doesn't care. I feel the need to tell everyone this because it isn't fair to him for people to feel that he's the only one to blame for where we stand today. It takes two hands to clap. Even at this point, he reproaches himself for "letting me down", for not being there enough for me, for not being able to do more. It isn't fair then that we thus conclude that he doesn't care because he's decided to do something for himself.


Instead of yelling at each other like we would in fights or on-the-verge-of-breaking-up moments, we parted amicably. Occasionally reminiscing the fun moments we shared. Both as friends and as a couple. We laughed, we cried and we said our goodbyes. For those who've never said goodbye to someone you love, it might be harder to understand the nuances of parting, but it doesn't mean the emotions are any less intense on our part. Some may even scoff at the fact that this isn't our first goodbye - but who said goodbyes were easy? If you can turn your back on someone you love that easily, suffice to say, you may not even have known the real value of that relationship at all. 


The difference between this time and the last was that we tried to talk; but the happiness and companionship fades as soon as the call ends of the absence of the other party is felt. This happiness is thus replaced by a longing, pining feeling which eventually turns to grief. All this happens even in short spans of time and should be enough reason to restore some individuality to both parties' lives. 


He has so much to lose; or rather, he has already lost so much. The last thing I'd want is that pretty smile to fade too. This is why we're both moving on our own paths for now. Because we both need this as much as we don't want to admit it. Although sometimes, it's me not wanting to admit things rather than him.


We've decided to take at least a five-year hiatus from each other. This departure should on one hand, it give me time to put my head right, on the other hand it gives us REAL time apart; so that the temptation to pick up the phone and give the other person a call when we see a sad status is less pressing. I hope to be a better person when I come back. And I will come back because I haven't given up on our friendship - it is like a wealth of untapped potential.


I hope the people who read this will understand that neither of us left for selfish reasons and that we're both having a hard time coping with this loss because we literally made the other party the center of our lives. It isn't fair to judge a failed relationship by either party simply because you haven't walked a mile in our shoes and done differently. I might have said some pretty hurtful things about him over the past few weeks; not to say that I lied, but it was how I felt then. Thinking back, I should not have done that and I have apologized to him for doing so.


As the "plaintiff" of this event, if I can forgive and forget, surely the people around me can too? Not because I am clouded, stupid and naive. But because someone like him, who doesn't readily forgive, has no qualms about hugging me even if I threw him out of my house in a fight or to run after me when I storm off in a mall while throwing a bitch fit. This man loves me and has given everything to protect me. Even if it means defending me against some people in pretty high places. And a big part of me, owes it to him where I stand today. 


In light of all this, I have put up on our favourite photograph to give credit when him credit when it's due. Being my friend isn't easy sometimes; and he's done an excellent job. 


I know this is one of the longest posts I've had on one particular person. But it's as real as I feel. I'm finding it hard to talk to the people around me because they are just so upset with us that their perspectives of our individual predicaments are clouded. The fact stands that I love him & I appreciate all that he's ever done for me - as a friend and as my significant other.


For that, I thank him & wish him well.

A morning epiphany.

Some mornings you wake up smelling like crap,
looking like crap...


but some mornings, 
you wake up with a sudden realization of how things work.


Then I remembered something someone said:
"靠山, 山倒
靠人, 人跑
所以...
靠自己最好."


Maybe that makes sense.
But only if you're good enough to do that.


There again, no one died trying.

Another day spent missing.

Today was slightly better than the most of last week.
For the most part,
I believe it was because a wish of mine came true.


I slept better than I had all week.
I ate better than I had eaten all week.
I focused better than I had all week.


Silly. but true.
But that's just me.


I read this somewhere...


"Just because we don't talk doesn't mean I don't think about you.
I'm just trying to distance myself because I know I can't have you."


and realized what it meant to me.
What he means to me.


But that's just another post for another day.
When that day comes.


I firmly believe:
Because that flowers bloom in the worst of crap...
are provided the best conditions to enhance their beauty & splendor.


It's like someone said
"The flower that blooms in adversity 
is the rarest and most beautiful of all."

Hurt & Anger.

Sometimes, hurt and anger is good. It fuels change.

In this case, it drives forgetting.

Forgetting the hurt, injustice and pain.

In light of a recent breakup with a best friend of 6 years.

I thought twice about deleting him off facebook.

I thought about how he might have felt hurt or disappointed

that the friendship meant so little to me to remove him like that.

But apparently, my concern for him far outweighs his for mine.

Clearly I must have meant nothing to him at all.

I don't know if I'm feeling hurt because I still care...

and how much I actually do.

Perhaps it could just be disappointment:

at his character...

or my stupidity at trying to protect someone like that.

or my stupidity for going out with someone...

who has done the exact same thing to me before.

But what I do hope for...

is for my concern to turn to indifference...

before hate sets in.

... but time will heal those wounds

with love from the people in my life that still care.

To the people whom I appreciate most in my life right now.(:

My past 3 to 4 days have been filled with the most pain, hurt and betrayal.

But at the same time, filled with the most gratitude I can muster.

I'd like to thank a few friends who have helped me to pull through this period:

Aloysius for checking in with me everyday even though he's tired with work & reservist and trying to be supportive even if he doesn't agree with what I have in mind.

Zhaolong for lending me a ear to whine to especially when I know you're so busy; taking time out to reply me, call and let me go on for 50 mins when you're already so tired.

Elroy for good company in the middle of a long week & good wine.

Bi Ran for trying to be there for me even though i figure you had classes...

Stephanie who would hear me out because I just needed a girl to talk to, who would text me after classes to ask if I still needed a listening ear & offered to just be there for hugs.

These aren't the usual people I would turn to. In fact, they are some really awesome people I must have met in my lifetime because they were there when I needed someone.

At least these people made my week less of a nightmare to go through.

Yikuan, Maureen & Jih Huan - Thankkew to my 3 closest friends who made time to hug me and wipe my tears away, for putting me to bed because I was afraid of being abandoned again. For sitting down and telling me it's ok to hurt, because they would still love me even if I wasn't perfect like he wanted. For teaching me how to pick myself up.

Wen Hua, who tried to reshuffle his schedule for me when he realised that something wasn't right in my life; for offering me a hug and ear when he's supposed to have a group meeting, for trying to find ways to take me out so I don't stay in and mull & for even trying to fit me into plans he's made so long ago.

There's also my awesome sister whom I've spent half my life fighting with,

who would scold me for caring about someone who obviously doesn't care,

who would buy me chocolates and biscuits to find that smile on my face during this time,

who would still listen to me and hug me for being stupid.

Thankkew m.e.i.

& Frenny who has been offering me strength all the way from Australia.

I appreciate all these people who are standing by me just so I can get better. I've decided to let go because like most of you have reminded me, I can be much more without him.

Thank you for your support, ears, shoulders & love. I couldn't have made it through the week without you guys. (:

Letting go.

I've decided to let go of everything.

Because every time I try to love him, I get hurt.

I try to do something for him as a friend;

only to be called a stalker.

The lies and hurt are piling.

He lied about valuing honesty, loyalty and what love meant.

Clearly I wasn't it. It took 3 friends, 250mls of vodka

& a night of alcohol intoxication for me to figure that out.

These friends helped to wipe tears that I could hardly keep up with.

Clearly he wasn't worth it.

I was crying because he wouldn't let me send him a card? No.

I was crying because I didn't try hard enough? No.

I was crying because I gave it my best, only to get hurt again

& by the one person I believed most in the world. My best friend.

Being helped into bed because my friends felt I was sufficiently wasted,

taught me that he's not going to be the one to stand by you when you're that down.

Maybe he used to. But not anymore.

Instead, those feelings were like the card that never reached it's recipient.

But it doesn't matter. All that... is past now.

Spilling Sweet Syrup

There are some things money can't buy.

Real emotions can't be bought. And somehow a part of us knows that whatever we had today, was real. All 10 hrs of it. It's as real as real gets. Hours felt like minutes, minutes like seconds.

If it's something else money can't buy, it's bliss. Then genuine satisfaction that makes you feel like you're living the moment, and that you'd never want it to end. Simply because... It's the moment where the world would end and you'd be at peace mainly with yourself because you made the difference. That's my little slice of heaven.

But Cinderella's got her story, as do I.

All good things come to an end;

As waiting returns,

Only to be laid to rest,

A seventh day later.

Today ended with a quiz: "her on the line."

Will he get it? Or will he not?