On my flight to being a second class citizen.

I got a sunflower.
for him.
I got a lot love.
for him.
I'm really happy to do a lot.
for him.

But where do I stand?
Next to him?
Behind him?

A second class citizen.
A skeleton in his closet.
Only to be thrown out
during the next spring clean.
Oh. which will be soon.
When he leaves again.
for good.

He will open up his closet,
toss out the skeleton,
for a newer one.
Pack up his clothes and leave.
And my closet will be empty.
Because I won't realise everything is missing,
everything has been left behind,
during the last plane flight to nowhere.

Omg. I've been feeling oh-so-emo again.
sigh.

This stupid girl made some stupid choices and fears her secret may be lost.

xoxo,
Sarah.

wonders.

wonders about the wonders of love.
wonders if she's done the right thing.
wonders if she's really happy.
wonders should she be not?

wonders if he wondered about her today.
wonders if he wondered about her as he left that night.
He's left. a month already. but isn't that just right...?
for you to start all over?
only
for you to ask...
with or without him?

If you leave, he'll be lonely.
But he's leaving again.
When will he be back? Will he be back?
Will he come back this time?

You wanted to leave that night.
Girl, was that really what you wanted?
He doesn't quite want you around.
or does he?
You can't figure him out, can you?
I can't say no (to him), can I?


It's not meant to be emo.
but i think it came out emo again.
rawrr.

Emo thoughts fill this girl's head as she holds on to that secret.

xoxo,
Sarah.

love.

wonders if loving someone works for her at all.
Sometimes... it may be better to be with someone who loves you more than you love him.
It's not so tiring that way.

She went to sleep pondering so many things.
In fact she was asleep when he called her.
And she woke up to keep him company,
because she'd never be too tired to hear his voice.

Then he decided that he wanted to go to sleep.
Well. Actually, that didn't make her feel too bad.

Until she watched something on the telly.
This girl's ruminations got the better of her.
She watched
this guy (who had an illness) breakup with the girl he loved.
Its not that he broke up with the girl cause he didn't love her.
He wanted to protect her, he wanted her to move on.
Without him.
But this breakup was initiated in the most abominable fashion.
He held an engagement party and made her dress up,
just to humiliate her saying he couldn't marry her
since it was all the idea of another woman whom he'd loved more.
That woman, a childhood friend of his,he best friend, his accomplice.
The guy flung the intended engagement ring into the pool.
The stupid girl jumped into the pool after the ring.

Am I, not that stupid girl?
Am I, not that stupid girl that jumped in,
to hold on to whatever was left?
He didn't even shed a tear.

So maybe the mechanics have changed after all.
So maybe you're just a backup on his shelf.

But maybe he does love you.
Maybe he'll tell you.

but, I don't want him to tell me,
I want him to show it to me,
I want to feel it.

But maybe I'll be gone before it happens.


sigh. another emo post.
rawr.

This girl's secret is out.

xoxo,
Sarah.

commitment.

I asked him once, he did not say
I asked him twice, he did not stay
I asked him thrice, he said he'd swayed

commitment is a small word,
with huge implications.

It's like a promise. Commitment.
Commitment is a promise.

Like rings. Rings are promises too.
Only subtler. Not so much a spoken Commitment.

That's why they came up with
promise rings,
engagement rings,
wedding rings.

Am I moving too fast?
Am I leaving him behind?
Am I too eager? Or is he too concerned.
I threw caution to the wind a long time ago.
Maybe I want to be tied down.
Maybe I want to tie him down.

Maybe by saying what hes said,
or not saying what hes said,
says alot.

He wants to commit. But he's afraid.
He's afraid to tell the world he loves me.
He's afraid to love me because of what people will say.
He's afraid to commit to loving me.
That must be it.

I loved alot and lost alot.
I have alot...
but can I? Can I love as much?
Can I trust that such a commitment will work?

when none was made,
at all.

emo thoughts that run through this little girl's head.

This girl still guards that secret. (:

xoxo,
Sarah

feeling important is important.

This girl badly wants to feel important.
She misses that feeling.

It's both there and not there,
all at the same time.

Shrouded in doubt,
love is coloured.

Unsure if she did it right at all.
Should she listen to her ears or her heart?

Her heart failed her once.
Her ears might foil her heart.
But since she's willing to give,
she should do so unreservedly,
shouldn't she?

This girl longs to feel important.
She is feeling important for the moment.
But only for the moment cause,
this moment is fleeting.
She can't grasp it completely because it won't let her.
She doesn't understand this concept,
but she's willing to learn about it.

can she do it?
can she succeed in doing so?
can it make her feel important?
can it make her regain that lost confidence?
can she stand up once again in the brilliance, knowing
that she's the center of his stage, for whom she will only perform...

His stage.

Will he help her, guide her and hold her?
Or will she be left to find her own?

All performers want a stage.
This girl has found one.
She's just unsure if it's really going to be hers.
She wants to work hard to make her dream come true.
Brilliance, flowers, applause and the spectacle.
means nothing to this performer if it isn't him.

Performers want attention.
This girl found someone.
she's just not sure if this someone can give.
can give her the attention she desires.

This girl has too many unresolved questions.
This girl is a performer.
This girl feels that feeling important, is important.

My emo thoughts for the day. (:
This girl is still holding on tightly to her secret.
She loves her secret.

xoxo,
Sarah.

Something special did happen after all...

Someone said something that meant the world to me.

"My quest for love ends with you..."

I wonder if this is really it. (:

Things happen for a reason,
sometimes you might not see it,
sometimes you don't want to see it,
sometimes you simply deny having seen it.

I finally understand that,
what happened has made me come to terms with how I really feel.
I'm willing to do it,
and I'm not scared
nor am I ashamed of doing so.

I only hope that we'll brave everything together, holding hands.
You will, won't you??

This silly girl is still guarding her lovely secret.

xoxo,
Sarah

Ambiguous.

Finds that ambiguity is good and bad all at the same time.
Sometimes it clarifies things,
sometimes it mystifies things.
Sometimes it draws things closers,
sometimes it draws things apart.

Ambivalence towards such ambiguity.
Really. (:

This girl is still guarding her little secret.

xoxo,
Sarah