People's photos make you ponder.♥

I've been spending my last couple of days looking at photos

and wondering where I've gotten in life thus far.
The conclusion was damning.

At this age, I have friends starting on their phds, on track to become a wise-wise career woman. I have yet other friends, happily in relationships and some married. By stark contrast, what really caught my attention, was this one friend.

This one friend, more than anyone else,
got my attention not simply because of her better than average looks.
She caught my attention because I was envious.
Envious, more than anything else, of the life she had.
At my age, she'd graduated and gotten married.
She'd gone on her seemingly month long honeymoon to Europe.
She'd gotten pregnant and now given birth.
Well on her way with her happy family.

What also caught my attention was her husband holding the baby.
Mind you, these are all photos. - But as they say, a picture paints a thousand words.
The young lad holding that small bundle of joy in his arms.
The joys of a first time dad, encapsulated in a single photograph
and he looked upon the child with an ever so soft gaze.

And suddenly, for that moment, the child-averse me had softened.
I don't know if it's true that having your own child will warm you up to other kids.
I've never been a children-person. In fact, I'd shy away from children if I could.
In all honesty, I'd do nothing more than a feeble attempt to connect with any child...
if the child... is intelligent. There's something about intelligent children that strike me.
But that's not the crux of today's musings. Back to that lovely couple.

What they had made me realize were the number of opportunities
I had passed up to actually achieve that moment.
Perhaps, if I persisted in an earlier relationship, I could have very well been married...
let's ignore for one second that the husband might be cheating on me...
or he could very well be the absent-husband-father-workaholic.

What if I had endured all that? Would I be "happily" married?
With child? Working? The what-ifs aplenty, answers absent.

The sad conclusion I came to was that, unfortunately, if I could turn back time,
I wouldn't have decided any other way.
I would have let both parties leave,
simply because they had less to gain by staying.
Evidently, their respective futures weighed more than the curiosity of an unrealized dream.

Maybe with such a conclusion,
I should just live and be content with that which I have in the moment.
People who chose to give things up, aren't worthy of holding them.
Even if, you gave them up, because you loved them.

Perhaps, one day, I might meet someone.
Someone who would hold me tight and perhaps lie to me just once.
He might lie to me that I never made him give something up.
Just so that I won't have to feel guilty that I did.

That way, the selfish part of me, would have my very own shot at my fairy tale come true.

And until that happens,
continue seeking comfort in the arms of those who'd give lovingly,
for as long as you can afford it.


The question is: how much can you afford before it is too much?
At this point, no lines have been crossed.
But deals have been made such that everyone's needs are met.
Is that good or is that bad?
I can't tell anymore.

But at the very least I know...
irrly.♥