A terrible lie. ♥

I've never had to lie more convincingly in my life before.

I prayed and crossed my fingers as if my life depended on it. Well, it's true. A life did depend on it.

Just not mine.

At least it'll be easier to bear the sharpness of the disappointment, the pain of the inevitable and yet another endless fall into this abyss of despair.

Never have I been more honest and dishonest with one person before.

I'm sorry I lied to you tonight. I wasn't ok. I hurt badly. I wanted to shred myself. But I didn't want you to see me like that. I couldn't hurt you more than I already had tonight.

I'm sorry I burdened you with my trivial dreams and wild child fantasies. I should have realised that you couldn't stop to smell the roses. Not that you didn't want to. You couldn't.

It hurt me when I knew what I was doing to you in the afternoon. But I was selfish. I tried to ignore it the night before. I'm sorry. I knew that you hurt; but I couldn't step away. I loved you too much to think I could spend another day without you.

I'm sorry I lied that I didn't feel/hurt when I said what I did and made you tear. It was true that I wasn't being vindictive about the whole incident - but it's really because I couldn't deal with another departure. I wanted to quickly hang up and cry myself to sleep. But again, I can't rest until I know I've "told you" the truth.

I'm sorry I lied to you last night. I really am. I just didn't want you to feel like you had to deal with me when you were already feeling lousy.

I guess you were right when you said what you did - I need to grow up. Because even superman can't always be there to save the day. And you're only human - with your own dreams & life to lead.

A few things I did mean however:
1. That I really love you.
2. Never meant to hurt you.
3. Am going to leave you alone from henceforth &
4. I won't be back until you call for me.
5. I've always found a way to make myself as true to you as I possibly could. Tonight included.

Until we ever talk again...

I'll be under that same tree I spoke with you about. Holding my book. Waiting for you, to decide that it's me you'll trust enough to sit there with.

Right here waiting for you. I have faith you'll figure it out before the sun sets in paradise. I hope when you ask me to stay, it'll be because you want forever with me, and not because you don't want me to leave.

I've decided to leave... And I'm not sure how long I'll be gone this time or if I'll be back or when I'll be back. I'm sorry. I've decided to leave, knowing how much I've hurt you.

- I suppose you weren't too far off about calling me the O-A girlfriend. As much as I resent that comparison.

I'm just glad I never made you anymore promises that I'd actually be aware that I'd potentially break. Thank you for giving me that much leeway.

#iveneverwantedtodiemorebadlythantonight