Spilling Sweet Syrup

There are some things money can't buy.

Real emotions can't be bought. And somehow a part of us knows that whatever we had today, was real. All 10 hrs of it. It's as real as real gets. Hours felt like minutes, minutes like seconds.

If it's something else money can't buy, it's bliss. Then genuine satisfaction that makes you feel like you're living the moment, and that you'd never want it to end. Simply because... It's the moment where the world would end and you'd be at peace mainly with yourself because you made the difference. That's my little slice of heaven.

But Cinderella's got her story, as do I.

All good things come to an end;

As waiting returns,

Only to be laid to rest,

A seventh day later.

Today ended with a quiz: "her on the line."

Will he get it? Or will he not?

Insight.Inspiration. or otherwise.

I sat down and spoke with a friend today.

This friend was a little unsure of her new relationship.

Well, she clearly wasn't ready for a new relationship.

She felt that her issues hadn't been resolved since the last one

and clearly she was letting her emotions get ahead of herself.

I told her to wait and not rush things but she said she could handle it.

She said, "this one was different,

she knew better, she had her feelings in check."

Well. I could have told her, "I told you so."

but i didn't. I know better than that. I held my tongue.

I did however, point out later - which on hindsight,

I royally regret doing -

that she was in fact ill-suited in handling something like that.

It came out wrong, sounding mildly like me insinuating she was...

perhaps, needy, at best. Neurotic - well, at worst.

But I did assure her.

"We all get neurotic every now and then.

We all need a little more assurance.

Sometimes, they get it, sometimes they don't.

When they get the hint, they give us what we want.

When they don't, they just don't."

By the time I was done spouting wisecrack rubbish,

I realised that I was talking to myself.

Clearly she was just going to walk away from the problem.

What happened to true friends offering you

reality checks and constructive criticism?

I didn't mean to say the guy was blameless.

It's just her issues are going to tire them both out.

Then what?

She'll come round and say, "why didn't you tell me?"

And if I then say,

"I did. You just weren't listening."

We're going to fight anyway.

Lesson number one:

Sometimes, it's just better to keep your mouth shut.

It's like being caught between a rock and a hard place.

Do or otherwise, I'm damned.

You know what the irony is?

I've got my own unresolved issues.

Lesson number two:

Don't try to clean your neighbour's backyard

when you've got leaves in your own.

- if crying could make things better,

it'd be flooding tonight.

I told him I was going to sleep,

but I can't because of the thoughts swimming in my head.

He hit the nail on the head. But I'm not going to admit it.

He knows me better than I do myself anyway.

Tonight, I really don't need to wish for superpowers.

Because I looked for people to sit in my circle with me.

But no one was free to.

Despite all this, somehow,

something tells me that this feeling will go away

when I wake up tomorrow.

Because I guess that he'll look for me in the circle where he last left me.

And I presume that's where he'll find me.

I'm not sure about a lot of things,

but of that much, I'm sure.

He just won't say it.

He's different.

He won't say it.

All he will say is this:

you've already won me over

in spite of me

and don't be alarmed if i fall head over feet

and don't be surprised if i love you

for all that you are

i can't help it

it's all your fault.

- lyrics of Head over feet.

But I suppose, it's better than nothing.

But maybe, he already has. (:

Contradictions.

This girl wonders if she's rushing things.

She wants it fast, she wants it slow.

She doesn't know what she wants.

She's a bundle of walking contradictions.

But you see. This is what he treasures about her.

It's a little different.

He is different.

He's not the conventional type of guy.

He's not the type that goes all out to please.

He's just there. He cares.

In that sense, the stability she so craves, it's there.

Maybe this time... someone might really care for her.

Maybe this time... things might really work.

Hopefully wounds will heal quickly,

decisions can be made quickly...

she doesn't like the uncertainty this is bringing.

she doesn't like not knowing.

she wants to know this is real.

everything she's getting now, its so surreal.

She wants to know this will last.

She's not comfortable with so many things.

But you see, she's trying within her own limits...

to learn and change.

but what if she,

despite her changes,

still isn't good enough?

what if he bails on her?

what if things change...?

what if she can't meet him halfway...

no matter how hard she tries?

what if she just isn't that type of girl?

She doesn't want to say yes.

so that things will change tomorrow.

she wants everything to stabilise, normalise.

She wants to know what being in a relationship with him will be like.

But she's scared of what rushing into one entails.

She can't say she's not affected at all by what people think.

After all,

it's the people who love her...

who have encouraged her...

to take a leap of faith.

So she's selfish enough to ask him to wait for her. again.

she's worried that he can't.

she's worried that he won't.

These are irrational thoughts that bite at her.

But now that he knows how she feels,

he's promised to be there for her.

He always tells her...

he's not going to make her promises that he can't keep.

so she knows he intends to keep that promise to her.

but she lacks the encouragement to leave that shell behind.

Because where she is now,

there's a lot less fear, she can't be abandoned.

But she just needs to know that he won't leave her when she needs him most.

Right now, she knows he's not going anywhere.

She just needs to know if forever will last.

Especially since he's once told her that he's not sure about forever.

But he's trying.

He told her that forever doesn't sound that hard if its with her.

Even if it wasn't true, she bought it.

Lock, stock and barrel.

she's a sucker for such promises.

She's got faith that if he doesn't bail on her,

she's not going anywhere.

she just needs to trust that he won't change on her too.

she's just hoping that the next few months...

will make everything all right.

She cares a lot more than she ever shows it anyway.

Showing it has always been the problem.

Always is, always has been.

Maybe that's why people misunderstand her.

She can only hope he knows her well enough...

to trust where they're going with all this.

Priorities.

Has all her priorities wrong.

because of you.

Has all her thoughts in disarray

because of you.

Has never felt so much anger

because of you.

Has never wanted so badly to hate

because of you.

Has never wanted to do something like that so badly

because of you.

Because of you,

I don't know what to do anymore.

It's messing up.

messing up my life.

There couldn't be a better time for a coma.

so that everything would just pause here.

The pain, the losses, the pain.

It doesn't stop. It will only pause.

In contemplation.

Before it proceeds again.

The house.

I've been reserving a place for someone.
Oft been chastised for it.

People want to move in.
But if the tenant doesn't leave...
the house isn't empty.
Perhaps an eviction notice?

Someone told me...
that if someone he knew where in my shoes,
he'd put up a seizure on the place.
but...

Not everyone has that courage.
Not everyone has the tenacity
Not everyone has the determination.
Not everyone has the ability to let go.

Perhaps
the house ought to be demolished.
Maybe
the house should shelter vagabonds.
that come to spend the night and leave before the sun rises.

Because the house isn't good enough for its tenants.

Like people from two different worlds.

Spoken but not heard.

You're only cared for as much as you're important to others.

That's a stupid thought. But no points for guessing...
It's been bugging me so much, I'm even blogging about it.

I'm going crazy because a myraid of thoughts plague me.
From the time I wake up until the time i actually fall asleep.
It floats around.
The crazy recesses that my mind takes off...
the 16 hours I'm awake in a day...
it still plagues me.
And I only fall asleep because I'm fatigued.

exhausted.
I should be happy that its the end...
of yet another rollercoaster emotional bumpy ride.
That it'll give me peace of mind.
But being the masochist that I am. I want seconds.
Because the thrill of being on that ride...
far outweigh its cathartic moments.

Hell. Why the rollercoaster anyway?
I don't even ride it. But that's what friendships are like.

Someone told me before.
For every friend that walks away,
you'll have someone else walking into your life.
Why cut yourself up over it?

The answer, I've learnt, is simple.
Some people overestimate their importance to others.
Whilst some underestimate their importance to others.
when overestimates and underestimates collide...
letting go becomes difficult.

I've learnt that
no matter how much you want to think somone is irreplaceable,
it's not true.
Others can and will replace you.