Priorities.

Has all her priorities wrong.

because of you.

Has all her thoughts in disarray

because of you.

Has never felt so much anger

because of you.

Has never wanted so badly to hate

because of you.

Has never wanted to do something like that so badly

because of you.

Because of you,

I don't know what to do anymore.

It's messing up.

messing up my life.

There couldn't be a better time for a coma.

so that everything would just pause here.

The pain, the losses, the pain.

It doesn't stop. It will only pause.

In contemplation.

Before it proceeds again.

The house.

I've been reserving a place for someone.
Oft been chastised for it.

People want to move in.
But if the tenant doesn't leave...
the house isn't empty.
Perhaps an eviction notice?

Someone told me...
that if someone he knew where in my shoes,
he'd put up a seizure on the place.
but...

Not everyone has that courage.
Not everyone has the tenacity
Not everyone has the determination.
Not everyone has the ability to let go.

Perhaps
the house ought to be demolished.
Maybe
the house should shelter vagabonds.
that come to spend the night and leave before the sun rises.

Because the house isn't good enough for its tenants.

Like people from two different worlds.

Spoken but not heard.

You're only cared for as much as you're important to others.

That's a stupid thought. But no points for guessing...
It's been bugging me so much, I'm even blogging about it.

I'm going crazy because a myraid of thoughts plague me.
From the time I wake up until the time i actually fall asleep.
It floats around.
The crazy recesses that my mind takes off...
the 16 hours I'm awake in a day...
it still plagues me.
And I only fall asleep because I'm fatigued.

exhausted.
I should be happy that its the end...
of yet another rollercoaster emotional bumpy ride.
That it'll give me peace of mind.
But being the masochist that I am. I want seconds.
Because the thrill of being on that ride...
far outweigh its cathartic moments.

Hell. Why the rollercoaster anyway?
I don't even ride it. But that's what friendships are like.

Someone told me before.
For every friend that walks away,
you'll have someone else walking into your life.
Why cut yourself up over it?

The answer, I've learnt, is simple.
Some people overestimate their importance to others.
Whilst some underestimate their importance to others.
when overestimates and underestimates collide...
letting go becomes difficult.

I've learnt that
no matter how much you want to think somone is irreplaceable,
it's not true.
Others can and will replace you.

leaving.

He's leaving me.
and I cried.

I cried because I don't want him to go.
I don't want him to leave.

My mind's in a whirl.
Confused.
Because I want him to go.
I want better for him.
I want him to be happy.

But yet...

I don't want him to go.
I want him to be with me.
I don't want us to die out just like that.

I'm selfish. I'm ambivalent about this departure.
But all-in-all, I'm still human.

xoxo,
sarah.

This girl lay naked, vulnerable and crying in the arms of the one who cried back for her.

On my flight to being a second class citizen.

I got a sunflower.
for him.
I got a lot love.
for him.
I'm really happy to do a lot.
for him.

But where do I stand?
Next to him?
Behind him?

A second class citizen.
A skeleton in his closet.
Only to be thrown out
during the next spring clean.
Oh. which will be soon.
When he leaves again.
for good.

He will open up his closet,
toss out the skeleton,
for a newer one.
Pack up his clothes and leave.
And my closet will be empty.
Because I won't realise everything is missing,
everything has been left behind,
during the last plane flight to nowhere.

Omg. I've been feeling oh-so-emo again.
sigh.

This stupid girl made some stupid choices and fears her secret may be lost.

xoxo,
Sarah.

wonders.

wonders about the wonders of love.
wonders if she's done the right thing.
wonders if she's really happy.
wonders should she be not?

wonders if he wondered about her today.
wonders if he wondered about her as he left that night.
He's left. a month already. but isn't that just right...?
for you to start all over?
only
for you to ask...
with or without him?

If you leave, he'll be lonely.
But he's leaving again.
When will he be back? Will he be back?
Will he come back this time?

You wanted to leave that night.
Girl, was that really what you wanted?
He doesn't quite want you around.
or does he?
You can't figure him out, can you?
I can't say no (to him), can I?


It's not meant to be emo.
but i think it came out emo again.
rawrr.

Emo thoughts fill this girl's head as she holds on to that secret.

xoxo,
Sarah.

love.

wonders if loving someone works for her at all.
Sometimes... it may be better to be with someone who loves you more than you love him.
It's not so tiring that way.

She went to sleep pondering so many things.
In fact she was asleep when he called her.
And she woke up to keep him company,
because she'd never be too tired to hear his voice.

Then he decided that he wanted to go to sleep.
Well. Actually, that didn't make her feel too bad.

Until she watched something on the telly.
This girl's ruminations got the better of her.
She watched
this guy (who had an illness) breakup with the girl he loved.
Its not that he broke up with the girl cause he didn't love her.
He wanted to protect her, he wanted her to move on.
Without him.
But this breakup was initiated in the most abominable fashion.
He held an engagement party and made her dress up,
just to humiliate her saying he couldn't marry her
since it was all the idea of another woman whom he'd loved more.
That woman, a childhood friend of his,he best friend, his accomplice.
The guy flung the intended engagement ring into the pool.
The stupid girl jumped into the pool after the ring.

Am I, not that stupid girl?
Am I, not that stupid girl that jumped in,
to hold on to whatever was left?
He didn't even shed a tear.

So maybe the mechanics have changed after all.
So maybe you're just a backup on his shelf.

But maybe he does love you.
Maybe he'll tell you.

but, I don't want him to tell me,
I want him to show it to me,
I want to feel it.

But maybe I'll be gone before it happens.


sigh. another emo post.
rawr.

This girl's secret is out.

xoxo,
Sarah.