Hurt & Anger.

Sometimes, hurt and anger is good. It fuels change.

In this case, it drives forgetting.

Forgetting the hurt, injustice and pain.

In light of a recent breakup with a best friend of 6 years.

I thought twice about deleting him off facebook.

I thought about how he might have felt hurt or disappointed

that the friendship meant so little to me to remove him like that.

But apparently, my concern for him far outweighs his for mine.

Clearly I must have meant nothing to him at all.

I don't know if I'm feeling hurt because I still care...

and how much I actually do.

Perhaps it could just be disappointment:

at his character...

or my stupidity at trying to protect someone like that.

or my stupidity for going out with someone...

who has done the exact same thing to me before.

But what I do hope for...

is for my concern to turn to indifference...

before hate sets in.

... but time will heal those wounds

with love from the people in my life that still care.

To the people whom I appreciate most in my life right now.(:

My past 3 to 4 days have been filled with the most pain, hurt and betrayal.

But at the same time, filled with the most gratitude I can muster.

I'd like to thank a few friends who have helped me to pull through this period:

Aloysius for checking in with me everyday even though he's tired with work & reservist and trying to be supportive even if he doesn't agree with what I have in mind.

Zhaolong for lending me a ear to whine to especially when I know you're so busy; taking time out to reply me, call and let me go on for 50 mins when you're already so tired.

Elroy for good company in the middle of a long week & good wine.

Bi Ran for trying to be there for me even though i figure you had classes...

Stephanie who would hear me out because I just needed a girl to talk to, who would text me after classes to ask if I still needed a listening ear & offered to just be there for hugs.

These aren't the usual people I would turn to. In fact, they are some really awesome people I must have met in my lifetime because they were there when I needed someone.

At least these people made my week less of a nightmare to go through.

Yikuan, Maureen & Jih Huan - Thankkew to my 3 closest friends who made time to hug me and wipe my tears away, for putting me to bed because I was afraid of being abandoned again. For sitting down and telling me it's ok to hurt, because they would still love me even if I wasn't perfect like he wanted. For teaching me how to pick myself up.

Wen Hua, who tried to reshuffle his schedule for me when he realised that something wasn't right in my life; for offering me a hug and ear when he's supposed to have a group meeting, for trying to find ways to take me out so I don't stay in and mull & for even trying to fit me into plans he's made so long ago.

There's also my awesome sister whom I've spent half my life fighting with,

who would scold me for caring about someone who obviously doesn't care,

who would buy me chocolates and biscuits to find that smile on my face during this time,

who would still listen to me and hug me for being stupid.

Thankkew m.e.i.

& Frenny who has been offering me strength all the way from Australia.

I appreciate all these people who are standing by me just so I can get better. I've decided to let go because like most of you have reminded me, I can be much more without him.

Thank you for your support, ears, shoulders & love. I couldn't have made it through the week without you guys. (:

Letting go.

I've decided to let go of everything.

Because every time I try to love him, I get hurt.

I try to do something for him as a friend;

only to be called a stalker.

The lies and hurt are piling.

He lied about valuing honesty, loyalty and what love meant.

Clearly I wasn't it. It took 3 friends, 250mls of vodka

& a night of alcohol intoxication for me to figure that out.

These friends helped to wipe tears that I could hardly keep up with.

Clearly he wasn't worth it.

I was crying because he wouldn't let me send him a card? No.

I was crying because I didn't try hard enough? No.

I was crying because I gave it my best, only to get hurt again

& by the one person I believed most in the world. My best friend.

Being helped into bed because my friends felt I was sufficiently wasted,

taught me that he's not going to be the one to stand by you when you're that down.

Maybe he used to. But not anymore.

Instead, those feelings were like the card that never reached it's recipient.

But it doesn't matter. All that... is past now.

Spilling Sweet Syrup

There are some things money can't buy.

Real emotions can't be bought. And somehow a part of us knows that whatever we had today, was real. All 10 hrs of it. It's as real as real gets. Hours felt like minutes, minutes like seconds.

If it's something else money can't buy, it's bliss. Then genuine satisfaction that makes you feel like you're living the moment, and that you'd never want it to end. Simply because... It's the moment where the world would end and you'd be at peace mainly with yourself because you made the difference. That's my little slice of heaven.

But Cinderella's got her story, as do I.

All good things come to an end;

As waiting returns,

Only to be laid to rest,

A seventh day later.

Today ended with a quiz: "her on the line."

Will he get it? Or will he not?

Insight.Inspiration. or otherwise.

I sat down and spoke with a friend today.

This friend was a little unsure of her new relationship.

Well, she clearly wasn't ready for a new relationship.

She felt that her issues hadn't been resolved since the last one

and clearly she was letting her emotions get ahead of herself.

I told her to wait and not rush things but she said she could handle it.

She said, "this one was different,

she knew better, she had her feelings in check."

Well. I could have told her, "I told you so."

but i didn't. I know better than that. I held my tongue.

I did however, point out later - which on hindsight,

I royally regret doing -

that she was in fact ill-suited in handling something like that.

It came out wrong, sounding mildly like me insinuating she was...

perhaps, needy, at best. Neurotic - well, at worst.

But I did assure her.

"We all get neurotic every now and then.

We all need a little more assurance.

Sometimes, they get it, sometimes they don't.

When they get the hint, they give us what we want.

When they don't, they just don't."

By the time I was done spouting wisecrack rubbish,

I realised that I was talking to myself.

Clearly she was just going to walk away from the problem.

What happened to true friends offering you

reality checks and constructive criticism?

I didn't mean to say the guy was blameless.

It's just her issues are going to tire them both out.

Then what?

She'll come round and say, "why didn't you tell me?"

And if I then say,

"I did. You just weren't listening."

We're going to fight anyway.

Lesson number one:

Sometimes, it's just better to keep your mouth shut.

It's like being caught between a rock and a hard place.

Do or otherwise, I'm damned.

You know what the irony is?

I've got my own unresolved issues.

Lesson number two:

Don't try to clean your neighbour's backyard

when you've got leaves in your own.

- if crying could make things better,

it'd be flooding tonight.

I told him I was going to sleep,

but I can't because of the thoughts swimming in my head.

He hit the nail on the head. But I'm not going to admit it.

He knows me better than I do myself anyway.

Tonight, I really don't need to wish for superpowers.

Because I looked for people to sit in my circle with me.

But no one was free to.

Despite all this, somehow,

something tells me that this feeling will go away

when I wake up tomorrow.

Because I guess that he'll look for me in the circle where he last left me.

And I presume that's where he'll find me.

I'm not sure about a lot of things,

but of that much, I'm sure.

He just won't say it.

He's different.

He won't say it.

All he will say is this:

you've already won me over

in spite of me

and don't be alarmed if i fall head over feet

and don't be surprised if i love you

for all that you are

i can't help it

it's all your fault.

- lyrics of Head over feet.

But I suppose, it's better than nothing.

But maybe, he already has. (:

Contradictions.

This girl wonders if she's rushing things.

She wants it fast, she wants it slow.

She doesn't know what she wants.

She's a bundle of walking contradictions.

But you see. This is what he treasures about her.

It's a little different.

He is different.

He's not the conventional type of guy.

He's not the type that goes all out to please.

He's just there. He cares.

In that sense, the stability she so craves, it's there.

Maybe this time... someone might really care for her.

Maybe this time... things might really work.

Hopefully wounds will heal quickly,

decisions can be made quickly...

she doesn't like the uncertainty this is bringing.

she doesn't like not knowing.

she wants to know this is real.

everything she's getting now, its so surreal.

She wants to know this will last.

She's not comfortable with so many things.

But you see, she's trying within her own limits...

to learn and change.

but what if she,

despite her changes,

still isn't good enough?

what if he bails on her?

what if things change...?

what if she can't meet him halfway...

no matter how hard she tries?

what if she just isn't that type of girl?

She doesn't want to say yes.

so that things will change tomorrow.

she wants everything to stabilise, normalise.

She wants to know what being in a relationship with him will be like.

But she's scared of what rushing into one entails.

She can't say she's not affected at all by what people think.

After all,

it's the people who love her...

who have encouraged her...

to take a leap of faith.

So she's selfish enough to ask him to wait for her. again.

she's worried that he can't.

she's worried that he won't.

These are irrational thoughts that bite at her.

But now that he knows how she feels,

he's promised to be there for her.

He always tells her...

he's not going to make her promises that he can't keep.

so she knows he intends to keep that promise to her.

but she lacks the encouragement to leave that shell behind.

Because where she is now,

there's a lot less fear, she can't be abandoned.

But she just needs to know that he won't leave her when she needs him most.

Right now, she knows he's not going anywhere.

She just needs to know if forever will last.

Especially since he's once told her that he's not sure about forever.

But he's trying.

He told her that forever doesn't sound that hard if its with her.

Even if it wasn't true, she bought it.

Lock, stock and barrel.

she's a sucker for such promises.

She's got faith that if he doesn't bail on her,

she's not going anywhere.

she just needs to trust that he won't change on her too.

she's just hoping that the next few months...

will make everything all right.

She cares a lot more than she ever shows it anyway.

Showing it has always been the problem.

Always is, always has been.

Maybe that's why people misunderstand her.

She can only hope he knows her well enough...

to trust where they're going with all this.