... It's been awhile since something like this has happened. Maybe... It isn't so bad... ... Maybe... I could get used to this. ... Maybe it isn't so hard to move on when you have friends that treat you like this. ... Or maybe... All you need... Is that one friend. Who recognizes a friend in need. - I suppose... I'm just in part amazed and amused by the spontaneity of the evening's events. I might perhaps just do it again.

Random thoughts on an emo night. ♥

In a bid to do something silly to get my mind off more sombre thoughts,
I figure I'd do this ABC question thingy. For the pure fun of it(:


Available? No.
Birthday? 26th Jan
Crush? Azri Tan.
Drink you last had? Plain water.
Easiest person to talk to? Anyone who is real with me.
Favourite song? Gavin Degraw - not over you. Jason Mraz - i won't give up. Taylor Swift - Ours
Grade you hated the most? J2.
Hometown? Singapore.
In love with? Him.
Jealous of? Her.
Kissed someone lately? Yes.
Longest relationship? 3+ yrs
Milkshake flavour? Strawberry.
Number of siblings? 1.
One wish right now? To live the life I've always wanted, with him.
Person you last called? Him.
Question you always ask? "Oh God why me."
Reason to smile? Him & Family & Friends.
Song you last sang? Katy Perry - The one that got away.
Time you woke up today? 6:30am.
Up to what now? Listening to music, chatting, blogging, doing an impact paper, playing DS.
Very bestfriends? Him, Maumau, Frenny-frenny, JH, YK & ZL.
Worst habbit? Giving up, running away, expecting to be found & crying when it doesn't happen. - expecting someone to solve my problems and pick me up??
X-ray(s) you had? oh-so-many I can't remember. at least 15.
Your last cry? 1 hour ago. 


Oh well. I've done it. Doesn't make me feel much better... but at least it makes me think about somethings and really be honest with myself. (:

What's the honesty worth? Beats me. At least I can chin up.Emo people should hide under the blankets and stay there.
Oh well. Goodnight world(:


Irrly. ♥

a little goodnight.♥

I really wanted to call and say goodnight. 
but I lacked the courage to.
I wanted to text and say goodnight.
but again lacked the courage to.


Why I can dive to the depths of the ocean,
stand on the top of a mountain and scream,
but not dare to send out a simple message...
is simply beyond me.


I can only hope he knows how much I care,
hope he knows how much I miss him tonight,
how much I really want to hear his voice again,
how much I really want to tell him...


that I really love him,
so...
goodnight,
sweet dreams,
& sleep tite.♥


Irrly.

People's photos make you ponder.♥

I've been spending my last couple of days looking at photos

and wondering where I've gotten in life thus far.
The conclusion was damning.

At this age, I have friends starting on their phds, on track to become a wise-wise career woman. I have yet other friends, happily in relationships and some married. By stark contrast, what really caught my attention, was this one friend.

This one friend, more than anyone else,
got my attention not simply because of her better than average looks.
She caught my attention because I was envious.
Envious, more than anything else, of the life she had.
At my age, she'd graduated and gotten married.
She'd gone on her seemingly month long honeymoon to Europe.
She'd gotten pregnant and now given birth.
Well on her way with her happy family.

What also caught my attention was her husband holding the baby.
Mind you, these are all photos. - But as they say, a picture paints a thousand words.
The young lad holding that small bundle of joy in his arms.
The joys of a first time dad, encapsulated in a single photograph
and he looked upon the child with an ever so soft gaze.

And suddenly, for that moment, the child-averse me had softened.
I don't know if it's true that having your own child will warm you up to other kids.
I've never been a children-person. In fact, I'd shy away from children if I could.
In all honesty, I'd do nothing more than a feeble attempt to connect with any child...
if the child... is intelligent. There's something about intelligent children that strike me.
But that's not the crux of today's musings. Back to that lovely couple.

What they had made me realize were the number of opportunities
I had passed up to actually achieve that moment.
Perhaps, if I persisted in an earlier relationship, I could have very well been married...
let's ignore for one second that the husband might be cheating on me...
or he could very well be the absent-husband-father-workaholic.

What if I had endured all that? Would I be "happily" married?
With child? Working? The what-ifs aplenty, answers absent.

The sad conclusion I came to was that, unfortunately, if I could turn back time,
I wouldn't have decided any other way.
I would have let both parties leave,
simply because they had less to gain by staying.
Evidently, their respective futures weighed more than the curiosity of an unrealized dream.

Maybe with such a conclusion,
I should just live and be content with that which I have in the moment.
People who chose to give things up, aren't worthy of holding them.
Even if, you gave them up, because you loved them.

Perhaps, one day, I might meet someone.
Someone who would hold me tight and perhaps lie to me just once.
He might lie to me that I never made him give something up.
Just so that I won't have to feel guilty that I did.

That way, the selfish part of me, would have my very own shot at my fairy tale come true.

And until that happens,
continue seeking comfort in the arms of those who'd give lovingly,
for as long as you can afford it.


The question is: how much can you afford before it is too much?
At this point, no lines have been crossed.
But deals have been made such that everyone's needs are met.
Is that good or is that bad?
I can't tell anymore.

But at the very least I know...
irrly.♥

Another one of those long days.♥

It's 11:11 and I wanted so bad to say I care, but I can't bring myself to wreck the silences created.


Truth be told, my heart sank when I heard he was in the same place that I was at dinner.
I've been so worried, wanting to know more, wanting to ask.
But instead, the best I could do was to tell my dad,"...oh... we're doing the not talking thing again."
Mustering up all my courage to feign a nonchalance that a young child could easily see through.
My feeble attempt won the response,"Ok", with a terribly unnecessary smirk.


Oh well... I know he's trying hard to be good and I should be too.


I figure I did well sitting in the A&E in quarantine for almost 2 hours.
My hand ran over the name a couple of times, over the send button, 
but I resisted that urge. 
Not too many people are awake at 2am in the morning anyway.


It's a bit like, you have a whole lot of people to text,
but what does it mean when none of the texts are really from that one person?


Another one of my whiny-pining moments.
Saving my other musings for another day.


I guess I can only wish you well from here.
Also, just so you know & don't have to wonder...
irrly.♥

Writer's block made up for with a song dedication.♥

I've been having writer's block and I guess the best I could do is to dedicate a song to that special someone.


I've been listening to this song, it isn't mean for a relationship but... some lines from the song struck me...


Every step I take, every move I make.
Every single day, every time I pray.
I'll be missing you.
Thinking of the day, when you went away.
What a life to take, what a bond to break.
I'll be missing you.


Every day [I] pray for you
Till the day we meet again,
In my heart is where I'll keep you friend.


Memories give me the strength I need to proceed.
Strength I need to believe.


- Song lyrics: I'll be missing you.


That pretty much sums up how I feel right now.


 ♥irrly.

Nothing.

I can't even begin to express how hurt and disappointed I am with that special someone in my life.


When he first ignored my messages, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, thinking that he hadn't seen my messages. After realizing that he was deliberately ignoring me, beyond hurt, were the feelings of stupidity.


I feel completely stupid for picking up every time he needs me. I feel completely used for entertaining the times he tries to reach out to me. I feel completely stupid for buying into the bits of sincerity he hides behind to contact me to say thank you.


I finally realize how all this while he has been dictating the depth or the duration of our interaction. If he wants a time-out, no one can find him. But if I want peace and quiet, it becomes about me not confiding in him or dealing with him.


2 days ago, a part of me died when he said those things to me. 
Today, I'm convinced that a whole lot of things that I've experienced, were purely illusory highs on my part.


I've decided to go ahead with that decision and not look back because, from henceforth, there will be absolutely nothing worth looking back for. Nothing.


Whatever that has happened today, has brought me to the clear and painful realization that I should throw away a whole lot of things and wait for someone better to fill those shoes. 


Someone who really meant it when he said that all he really wanted was for someone to love him. Because the someone who loved him was there, I just don't think he treasured it.


For someone who would keep that promise when he said that he'd protect me. If deliberately ignoring me isn't creating opportunities for hurt and misunderstanding, I don't know what is.


I will say one thing however, "that today, is that day, that my unhappiness actually borders into dislike for you", "congratulations. you've finally done it".