Anything if I could...♥

Tonight, I know that my special someone is feeling as low as low could possibly get.

I made this for him... But I'm not sure how to give it to him... I suppose I can only hope he'll see it... And know how much I care...♥

A picture paints a thousand words.♥

A picture paints a thousand words
... And I've got two.

I don't usually put up such personal stuff... But it doesn't warm the heart any more than this. This is "The little slice of heaven" that I often talk about.

Separation anxiety♥

Separation anxiety. Too much. Too painful. I have to be... For him.

Heavy, shallow breaths.
Arduous journeys, a marked
Reluctance to continue...
Dying slowly inside.

Heavy gasps.
Earnestly pining.
Always prideful.
Resenting each impasse.
Thoughts of abandonment
Eating away at me, leaving me to
Die.

Lightheaded dizziness.

Marked by the never ending questions:
Real or not real...?

Long. Longing.♥

It's been awhile since I've last posted because I've been pretty busy.

Hiding behind my long days as an excuse not to cope, not to think. The days aren't helping. It's not packed enough... Because there still is lunch... And even with skipping meals, eating breakfast bars and packet cookies... There is still so much time alone, so much time to think and wonder.

In any case, I'll be relocating to a safer place where my thoughts could stay hidden better. I haven't quite decided where yet... So many options, so many choices... None of which I'd really like.

But I suppose... What you like... Doesn't really matter anymore.

Someone once asked me... If you knew you could do something to make someone feel better, even if it was at your expense, would you do it?

My answer: if he mattered enough, yes.
In this case, he means that much to me. For me to give everything else up just to make things that much easier for him. Because that person is him.

But tonight, cracks are showing; I am only human. Repressed emotions. With no more than a wall to confide in.

Thinning.Away.
Wasting & fading.

#lovingcouldntpossiblyhurtsomuchcouldit

This song couldn't more clearly articulate what I really need right now.)':
-- Kenny Chesney - Come Over (Lyrics)

Something I want a little more than really bad♥

There's recently been, by a stroke of luck, an opportunity for something to happen.

As much as I hoped for it to happen, it wouldn't. Of course with good reason.
I didn't push for it.

I can't help but feel envious or hopeful when I look at other girls, wistfully hoping to myself that I could have my own.

Perhaps just one... Or two... But it'd cost too much... For this silly little fantasy to come true...

Even if it wasn't us being... In... A relationship, could it have at least... Been...

I'm asking too much. I shouldn't even be allowed such silly thoughts.

I'm just awfully thankful he even let me in the circle by him today. Let me not be greedy.

♥still being the same old silly me.

Dilemma♥

The pretty world I've been trying so hard to re-established took a complete turn for the worse when I was prescribed a certain drug today.

It's a classic case of how much of your functioning is you... And how much else... Is the drug.

I guess... I never really was capable to pick myself up on my own. Perhaps... This was the way things were meant to pan out. Perhaps the drug was the key.

I finally understand his grouse with having to take the little pill. Because you don't want to be dependent on it. You don't want to feel you can't cope, you can't do well without it.

I'm just disappointed with myself. And suddenly, I'd rather endure my sleepless nightmarish nightly hells, the torrents of pain...than succumb again... To the lures of this evil blue.

So deadly. So many. So unwelcoming.
So ... Distracted by these thoughts...

So maybe... Just one more night - one more comforting night to escape the tears, the pains of this revelation.

Before the morning comes & tomorrow is again hard to bear.

-thoroughlydisappointedwithmyself

I thought he might♥

Perhaps I'm being silly.
Perhaps I should know better.

I'm not really sure what made me feel like he would have called back. Is it just me...?

I supposed I'd never know... But I haven't the courage... To break another earnest plea... For me to leave him alone so he may recover better and faster.

Having shared my innermost thoughts upon his request, I feel ashamed of having asked... Of having asked him to ask that I stay - how could he. Stupid selfish me.

It's not like he didn't know or wouldn't know how it'd have hurt me to ask... It's not like I didn't know what it would cost him; how it would hurt him to say no.

But deep down inside, I'm still the silly, fragile me. Scared and hoping for him to realise that I need to be protected just as much as he does. But... On the outside... I'm pretending to be a failing facade of strength... Something i've never been.

I in all my silliness, wish that it would have been me instead of his mummy lying in the ICU. Because only maybe, would he be able to get past himself just to hold my hand again for that one night. Just to be by my side, unrestrained because of whatever is holding us both back.

I'm just so silly... The things I do to push myself... Just to hear his voice, just to keep my sanity...

I can't wait for me to leave. That way I'll never be a burden to him again.

#sillythoughtsrifeinahelplessmind