Reliving the trauma again.

I feel I do so much better alone.

Just a moment ago, I was prepared to go to bed. 
But unfortunately, I had to open my phone with a series of upsetting text messages that started a full out panic attack, a whole lot of anxiety and a whole out war with the aggressor who was clueless as to why.
In order to calm myself, I ended up cleaning the house and have decided to just work my night away because I'm waaay to tense to sleep anyway.

I'm frustrated because the sheer mention of that person just upsets me. It's hurting because the aggressor has no idea as to how much trauma the past has caused me.

This is the effect she has on me; maybe it isn't all her fault, but I am full aware, a large part of it was; her deliberate actions & unintentional consequences. The other part of it was his comparing of me to her, making me feel inadequate, doing things for her that he'd never ever have done for me. 

For all that pain they've caused me collectively, I hate her, I hate the way they've made me feel. I don't like her & I wish either me or her would just disappear - I considered migrating because of the two of them. I don't want to exist in the same space that she does - she's not gonna up and leave, but I'm willing to. I wish my moving away could erase all the memories and pain that she's caused me. That they've caused me. Because of what she's done, what he's done, most of such reminders often leave me crying (much like tonight).

He complains about having to resolve issues on his own. Does he know what I need, what I want...? No. He imposes himself on me, imagining what I may need/want, leaving me to fend off the repercussions of his actions on my own. I can't handle his presence, but his absence pains me too. He wants to be a part of my life - hoping daily that I'll let him in; but in truth, I find that thought too frightening. Every time I give and inch, he tries to take a yard. There's no respecting of boundaries and as usual, my needs are still not respected. It never was in our relationship, why should it be any different now right...?

Move on? sure. I could if I didn't have to keep reliving those moments through such incidents.
I can't deal with it simply because there's too many painful memories and too much unpacking to do. If I wanted to, I could & the fastest most painless way would be to keep him & everyone else out too.

I'm ever fearful of allowing him to be nice to me because it's clear that expectations are still there. He still hopes that I behave like a girlfriend even when I've made it clear that I'm not. I just want to be friends, why is that so difficult? Having been traumatised by my last relationship, I'd do anything to avoid being in another relationship.

I'm in a bad situation because it's clear he can't love me the way I need to be loved, just as I can't give him what he needs. I hate his friends and I'd love to tell him, please don't stay in touch; but each time I lie to myself, telling myself that I can deal with the pain that his company, his mention of them brings me.
Naturally, I can't, because these are the people he valued more than me; enough to give me up once (at west coast) and blame me for the chain of events later.

These are the defining nature of "true" friends whom he now questions when I'm not by his side and I wonder why...? Why is he turning to me now; has he chosen again? Worse of all, it sounds like he still hasn't stopped with the comparing - what his friends do for him... or what his best friends are doing for him. Failing to take into consideration my repeated pleas for me to not talk about any of the people in his life.

I'm frightened of him & all these people & I wish that if I wasn't where I was in my life, I could just pack up and leave all of this behind me. 

*still crying and wishing that tonight never happened.

What's important to you?

Today has lent me an additional realization as to who claims to be there for you, doesn't mean the person will be.

Someone once offered me unconditional help with my work. 

When I contemplated taking up the offer albeit teasingly, he decided he had just finished his exams and wasn't up for helping me with research. But I didn't take offense because it's my work for a reason, I don't expect him to really & I shouldn't get him to help me.

Today,my taiwanese idol, Wilber Pan is in Singapore and there's a meet and greet session. I'd give anything to be there. Knowing that full well, my friend has offered to plough through my work with me, just so I can reach my deadline for the day and scurry off to meet my idol with me. I never even asked for his help. He too has just finished exams & is just out of hospital. Probably has more things on his mind than computer games and iron man.

Friends that know you, know what some if these prepubescent crushes mean to you.

These are the friends that remind you that being a social butterfly isn't all that bad, because they're aren't just here in the high times, but will look you up even if your stuff really isn't a matter of life and death.

Thank you kind friend.(:

By the way, I was also invited to another concert event today; to see Psy. Yes while tantalizing, the invitation was hardly a proper one. The person shows you 2 tickets (via whatsapp) and you're supposed to assume that you've been invited...? Especially with the person's track record of flaunting his social life in your face & his multiple "you-should-be-honored-by-my-presence-because-I-have-no-lack-of-suitors/company" quips.

The arrogance in the latter invitation is too high, too uncomfortable, too unreal. Perhaps when you're human & feeling again the vibe you give off might be different.

Nothing beats the good ol' down-to-earth company of old friends.

Choices.

Sounds to me like tonight you guys have chosen her over me.

I hope that in the long run, she'll make a good sister-in-law and treat you better than your daughter has.

And by the way, I'm not sure if she's faking it cause you guys are useful to her now, but be careful she doesn't break your things and not apologize either.

For all the inconvenience you've caused in my life, the shit you've stirred in my household and the tears you've caused me tonight. Karma will get you and it won't be pretty.

Stupid witch. )':

Forget me.

Just as you have your down times,
I have mine too.

As you have made conscious choices to decide who to keep in your life,
I have chosen too.

As you have busy moments,
I have mine too.

I don't like the inconsistency of
your "care", your "concern", your "affections".

We are no long priorities in either parties' lives.
I've come to that realization and am beginning to embrace that acceptance.

You needn't feel too bad about not getting any replies from me.
For they will be few and far between.
Perhaps one day, there might not even be any anymore.

Does it matter?
People change, people move on.

In this instance,
I'm keeping everything together,
determined to keep you out of my life.

Don't make yourself miserable clinging on tightly to our yesterday in the hopes of making it our tomorrow when in fact there is none of us today.

The unnerving inconsistencies confuse,
when in fact right now, I'm looking to soothe, heal and recover.

You're precisely right in having difficulty forgetting,
but have you really forgiven?

I know at some points, especially in more recent times,
I find myself still grappling with the fact that

especially with no apology,
I still find it hard to forgive you.

I need stability that perhaps you never had & never will (not now at least) will bring to me.
An assurance, that I won't be compared to and chastised for standards I cannot keep.

Until then, maybe, boring might be the next best thing for me.
At least boring keeps me safe.

Until everything sorts itself out,
I'm just resigned to my 11:11.

Stressed, tired, unwell.

Tonight's an icky night. Tomorrow's mu big day & there's so much work to do & I've gotta be down.

Nosebleed, migraine & a bad throat.
Bleargh. Not to mention the bloaty tummy. I feel like I need a day off to rest my heavy head.

Had a reasonably good day if not for the bug. Could be better but I can't complain.

Just tweeting when I noticed this post that got me thinking.

Oh well... Tooooooo much negativity I often joke. Tonight that rings true.
Boy oh boy.

When it doesn't rain, it pours.
The need to self-soothe? yes.
The wish for others to soothe? Oh yes please - tyvm.

Perhaps tonight is just like last night. Only worse. ^^

Ironically, the person called to care, but his actions thereafter only served to reinforce my opinion of him. Sigh.
- yes in game repairs are expensive.
Well, at least I've learnt that with some pf these moments, you just can't pause and replay.

Suppose that's why I fancied this before. But not anymore, tonight someone else put his things on hold for me, because I suppose if he needed me, I'd be there for him too in the way that you couldn't or wouldn't be there for me tonight.

My secret to success.

Even when I'm out with friends, at 11:11, I still do... Think of you.

It's nothing to do with having people around that I don't pick up.

I'm not sure I won't cave in at the sound of your voice. I'm not certain that my guard will stay up.

I am trying very hard, some days I'm better and stronger than others, some days I just crack.

Most of the times that I'm better, is when I'm not alone, actively thinking of what once was us.

You wanted to know how I did it...?
There's no secret. But despite all of that...
The lifestyle doesn't always mask the pain. It wears you down, makes you tired. But at least in the moment, you might, if lucky experience some fleeting happiness that passes when the moment ends.

Despite all of this, you're right.
It isn't fair to you, or me, or any of us.
Which is why, I'm still actively trying to let go. Even if I don't profess to being good at it, I'm trying.

I don't actively tell you how much you mean to me or that I still care.
These kinda things sway people's feelings.

I'm just another onlooker from afar on your life. A life that I'm resigned never to be a part of again.

This is really how I feel about the whole saga.

Silly Me.

Sometimes, girl, you are plain silly.

Why do you hope when it doesn't happen?
Who are you to wait for something that won't?

Time? No.
Because he wouldn't give you what you couldn't give him.
Because he's busy.
Because there are other things.
Other more important things, no doubt.

A text? It won't be him.
You aren't anyone to him.
If he texts anyone, it will be one of them.

A call...? No.
That's not what you want.
You wouldn't pick up anyway.

An option? No.
That isn't what he is.
Because as much as he is what makes you happiest,
this happiness comes with a cost.
This happiness doesn't last.

You'll get hurt? No.
He wouldn't hurt you? But he has.
Hard as he has tried not to, you still got hurt.
Even if you hurt him too.

And even knowing this...
you're still here?

Oh my. Oh my. Dear girl, Indeed you are silly.

Oh are you tearing?
...

As much as he is your answer,
he is your pain.
As much as you want him as a friend,
the ambiguity of his actions confuse you, give you hope,
then tear you down.

This, my dear, is what happens, when you let your guard down,
when you let him in, and he walks out on you again.

Will he pick you up...?

or...

Are you just being silly all over again?

#howdoichoosebetweenmyheadandheart
#sodifficulttobereal