Nothing.

I can't even begin to express how hurt and disappointed I am with that special someone in my life.


When he first ignored my messages, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, thinking that he hadn't seen my messages. After realizing that he was deliberately ignoring me, beyond hurt, were the feelings of stupidity.


I feel completely stupid for picking up every time he needs me. I feel completely used for entertaining the times he tries to reach out to me. I feel completely stupid for buying into the bits of sincerity he hides behind to contact me to say thank you.


I finally realize how all this while he has been dictating the depth or the duration of our interaction. If he wants a time-out, no one can find him. But if I want peace and quiet, it becomes about me not confiding in him or dealing with him.


2 days ago, a part of me died when he said those things to me. 
Today, I'm convinced that a whole lot of things that I've experienced, were purely illusory highs on my part.


I've decided to go ahead with that decision and not look back because, from henceforth, there will be absolutely nothing worth looking back for. Nothing.


Whatever that has happened today, has brought me to the clear and painful realization that I should throw away a whole lot of things and wait for someone better to fill those shoes. 


Someone who really meant it when he said that all he really wanted was for someone to love him. Because the someone who loved him was there, I just don't think he treasured it.


For someone who would keep that promise when he said that he'd protect me. If deliberately ignoring me isn't creating opportunities for hurt and misunderstanding, I don't know what is.


I will say one thing however, "that today, is that day, that my unhappiness actually borders into dislike for you", "congratulations. you've finally done it". 

Happy Birthday to that special someone whom I can't reach out to ♥

This post is dedicated to someone really special. The special someone that I've never ceased to mention in a good number of my posts. It's his birthday. I'd daresay I'd make it a point to wish him every year, be it a text, a call or a card.


Guess this year it's gonna be different because we've kinda stopped talking altogether. I wished him beforehand - but birthday wishes don't work that way.


At the very least I shall sing him a birthday song deep down and hope he hears the fact that somewhere out there, someone remembers it and is secretly wishing him well with all her heart.


Happy Birthday to you~
Happy Birthday to you~
Happy Birthday to YOU~
Happy Birthday to YOUUU~!!!!


I don't think there's much else that I can do for him except to leave him alone as that was his last request to me. Even if I'm can stop contacting him, can't stop loving or caring about him now can I? As much as I really miss him... I really hope that things go smoothly for him so I shall be really really good for both of us:D


Little plea to anyone out there reading this... wish him well for me too?(;


I'm aware that things haven't been going too smooth for him and as much as I can't be there to help hold the fort or even lend a ranting ear some support. I keep him in my prayers and hope that things really get better. Can only hope he'll stay strong and wait out the storm!


I'm also hoping that he didn't fall sick because of me cause I've come down with a suspected case of mumps and because we shared food and it transmits by salivary exchange... can only hope he'll take good care of himself and see a doctor if he suspects he might be sick...


Hope I haven't passed it to any of my friends or family either. 
*keeps fingers crossed*


p.s. i still really really love you. ♥

The silliest of silly things he could do.

It's the silly things that he does that keep me so enthralled. He's warm, funny & attentive.


People who know me will know I'm utterly obsessed with facebook games!! My current favorite being sims social. Apparently they're on this post-valentines day quest that requires two friends to help you click on the post to "woo hoo~!" which is the live equivalent of making out(:

Not sure if you can see the comment he made of my wall post.

This crazy dude that I've been blogging about just did the most amazingly funny thing while at work!  Not only did he stalk me, he texted me to ask if he could help me with the quest so no one else could "woo hoo~!" with me.


But as I mentioned earlier, you need 2 people so... Flustered, he even logged into another account to help me complete the quest!!(: He then called me to ask if I was certain that's all I needed to complete the quest & asked if that meant no one else could "woo hoo~!" with me!


For those of you who play this game, you're probably aware that the post needs the help of at least 2 people; this also means that other people are free to help you... Unless... So this silly little nut of mine logged into my facebook (with my permission) and deleted the post from my wall!!


Hahahah! Cute & really silly all at once. Imagine this happening when he's supposed to be working!
Tsktsk now(:

Because he just has this effect on me.

I've been having this on-off relationship with the love of my life. We recently decided to call it quits again for some other reason and part of the deal was that we weren't to talk to each other. We shouldn't talk because we care so much for each other, we influence each other so much: be it in work, friends or home. We sometimes make decisions to accommodate each other and some people may find it silly, but there again, which couple who really cares for the other party doesn't??

To be honest, I was again pining for him because we used to be such a big part of each other's lives. A very special part of whatever we had that I missed was the fact that I got to hear him say "I really really like you" every single night, and we've been together for almost 2 years. Even if we fought., he'd still find it in him to tell me that no matter how angry he was. It was his little way of telling me he loved me come what may. It was his little assurance to me. It was his special way of making our "I love you" moments different from the rest. It was his way of reminding me of his commitment to me.

Being the silly nut that I was, I chanced upon a very meaningful picture which I decided to used this photo as my new facebook cover photo.

The message I badly wanted to send to him.

I was hoping that being the silly nut that he was, that he'd stalk my facebook and know that I missed him terribly. (He usually stalks me quite regularly. ) After posting it, I kept my fingers crossed and hoped that he'd call me at best, or put up some silly reply as a status at least. But an hour passed and still no status; I was up till 3am that night hoping.

What my wall looks like with the message on it.

Tired out, I went to bed and was out all day. I got home pretty late in the night and turned on my computer to check my emails. Much to my amazement, something caught my attention. He had changed his profile picture. Interestingly, it wasn't him on it anymore. It was a single alphabet. A letter "I". So out of curiousity, I clicked on it to see if part of the picture might have been cropped out... (users of the new facebook timeline interface would understand the frustration of putting up new profile pictures to fit center in the small square without being cropped.)

And this was his reply to me on his facebook wall.

What his facebook wall said in response to mine.

Needless to say, I got my reply. He wasn't going to break his resolve to stay strong and stay apart. But he wasn't about to leave my ponderous mind unanswered either. 

My week long attempt to try and be good ended with me finally posting this 

"... and once again you set my heart a flutter, a teardrop from my face. ♥"

And this is why, I'll always love this silly nut; the same person who never fails to put that smile on my face, to pick me up when I'm down, to give me faith when I've lost it, & to give me reason to...

...hold on.

And perhaps, pessimists might say "he's leading you on."

But I'd say, "all you people, Have Faith." ♥♥♥

And that's exactly what I'm going to do.

"Have a little faith, in the two of us." - M2M

lacking coherence.

It is the annoying moment when you bare your soul, talking about the person you care for & love so much, only much to your horror, to find a lack of coherence between what I feel and what reality tells me.


It's painful to find that the person you care for say that he "didn't have a love life" or even declares "singlehood ftw" and things like that.


It's both frustrating & hurtful; because it's moments and responses like this that force you to question everything you've ever had.


I very much want to have faith in the realness of everything we had. But I get the vibe that doesn't quite sit well with you. I don't understand why. I really don't. Hopefully some day I will. 


Or maybe...


... it's gonna be another unresolved misunderstanding on both our parts...


- but it really hurts.so bad.

This is pretty much how I feel right now.  I really do. love you.

he was every good done for me.

I've been away from the lures of the internet and facebook because I haven't been well. 

Two whole days of rest, but the tremors have yet to subside. 

Maybe this reminds me why ventolin isn't good for me.

It mightn't be an allergic reaction, but clearly the use of my hands for writing, 

typing is difficult to say the least if not impossible.

But my urge to write currently supersedes the pain, stiffness and overall discomfort. 

The pains haven't subsided much, but the painkillers help me cope.

I'm  undecided as to filling myself with resentment over what has transpired.

Closer friends would otherwise know or care. But in recent times, those are far and few between.

Simply put: I don't think anyone knows. 

Some might argue on the contrary that people won't know you need them till you reach out.

But I argue that between friends, you just care. Even if you can't reach out.

To be fair, I tried to reach out to someone, but was turned away.

A best friend of sorts, because the person wasn't "dressed for the occasion".

The occasion I speak of, was to accompany a friend, who was feeling faint, to the doctor.

It doesn't matter because I still love my friends, perhaps the person was busy,

perhaps the context of the illness wasn't put forth.

It doesn't matter. None of this does.

Someone told me "you could have ended this shit a long time ago,

but you wanted to drag it out. You didn't want to abandon him.

Well, look where it got you."

I want to say, I don't regret staying on. 

Genuine care and concern doesn't count. Love doesn't count.

As I have given him, he has given no less.

Let's all give him the benefit of doubt and say he's leaving cause I won't.

He's leaving to protect me. so the friend smirks.

"I'm deluded" he says, besides me "thinks he was never any good".

But despite this, I'd tell this friend, this him, this mine, that he was every good done for me.

Despite this said, I've put everything in a box, away for good.

            

               - ineedtorestrecoverandrecuperatejustlikehedoes.

Hopefully when I next open that box, the wounds would be healed nice and pretty & ready to start over again. Take it that I'm just taking a well deserved break from all of this. Take it that I'm done caring. Take it whichever way is palatable to you. 

But nothing changes the fact that I still love him from the bottom of my heart & I always will.

To the who have tried to offer hugs and support, I appreciate it. To that one special person who tried to take me to see the doctor after what had happened, I also deeply appreciate your concern. - that said, I cannot undo what you've tried so hard to do thus far and I can only hope for your speediest recovery. I will keep you and your loved one in my nightly prayers.

Hopefully he'll never have to hurt this way again.

I'm in a lot of pain. I've started a new year by ruining it for me and my boyfriend -  we broke up.


I've had to give the person I love for a number of reasons. We're both in a lot of pain, but I'm certain in time to come, things will be come clearer and more certain.


We've been wavering between staying and leaving. While it kills me to make a decision like that, It's one that has to be made. While I officially seem like the witch of the century, at least one thing will come of it. He'll be better off and stronger in the long run. We've been fighting a lot more recently, and on one occasion, a scuffle ensued. It largely involved  the slamming of doors, me hitting him, some shoving... and a whole lot of tears.


For a couple so happy, it seems almost incomprehensible that we would resort this means of communication. It's not that the two of us do not care or do not love each other anymore. The tension is beyond our control. I've been under a lot of stress and pressure recently. To the point where I don't even recognise the me I've become. At nights I contemplate withdrawing from school altogether just to leave everything behind me too. 


Likewise has he; in fact, he almost wanted to give up going back to school just to stay in mediocrity with me. It's painful to know that someone ambitious that you love wants to give everything up for you, simply because. This would only lead to the same kind of regret that he had after he gave up the decision to pursue a double degree in medicine and law. He doesn't speak of it much - but if you love someone and know him well enough, you just know: the pain he has to endure. He even got slapped by his mother for thinking of not returning to law school. If he didn't return, he'd have mounting debts from existing bank loans and giving up a scholarship.


Despite him asking me repeatedly if he should give school up, I advised him to go back. He's worried about me, about how well I'd cope and if I could even cope at all. 
He's reluctant to go and he keeps telling me that his ambitions and goals have changed. Again, no points for guessing, because of me.


Any girl would swoon and fall head over feet (that's the way he insists it is - and I'd argue it's head over heels) with a guy like that simply because he's a gem. Some might remember that he's still got a future, his own life to be responsible for. I simply cannot see him ruin his bright future over a girl; not as his best friend, least of all as his girlfriend.


Even though I've been encouraging him to go back to school, he's half-hearted and distracted at best. It's clear his heart wasn't in it; at least not until that fight we had... He needed a backup plan and was now determined to go back to school.


In light of him finally applying his leave of absence, needless to say, I was distraught. The means by which I intended to set things straight, was to leave; to go abroad and work or study. Both of us had reasoned not to talk to each other until I returned and he was willing to wait.


Realising that I would keep hurting him if I kept pushing him away, I asked for a breakup. Because even though we love each other, the tension, the anxiety, the stress is becoming excessively disruptive to both of us. It will also mean that nothing has changed since last Nov. I don't want him to suffer waiting and pining for me. I don't want him to be distracted. I don't want to hurt him. It's a bitch of a decision, but it's for the best.


I'm sure, one day, he'll come to understand, that whatever I've done today, was to protect him: both from my rage and from the distance.
I don't expect his forgiveness but he's still checking in on me to see if I'm ok. This is how much he cares for us.


It's strange that two people who care so much can't be together for whatever reason. At the very least, he's come to realise that his mum really does love him a lot and that once again, when he needs someone he's got a friend, a confidante, in her... and maybe... if he wishes,
me. 


I'm sorry once again Hun. I really love you & I never meant for us to turn out this way. 
But trust me, it will all get better in time.


A guy like him, really doesn't deserve a girl like me because despite what we've become, he's still supportive of me, still posting statuses to encourage me and get me through this loss that I've created in the first place.


For that, I'm Thankful.


I wish him all the best really, because I finally see that he's strongest, when I'm not in his life & if he's going to go where he wants to go; he's going to have to do it without, stress, hurt and distraction. Hang in there, for yourself, & not for anyone else. Because this silly child has always lived live the way people want him to, the way people shape him to. Stay strong because you aren't alone. Also, don't let anyone hurt you this way again; because you deserve better.<3